'HAMMOND EGGS' Human Caviar - Now Available

Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to beluga! Say adieu to foie gras! HAMMOND EGGS are here!

As the quality of wild caviar declines and prices increase, chefs around the globe are making the switch to human caviar, bypassing both aquaculture entrepreneurs and international smugglers alike. The Hammond Corporation and its affiliates are spearheading a new retail trend that is designed to bombard psyches and palettes world-wide!

"This is an exclusive delicacy that everyone has been bugging me about for years and I am proud to say that the plan has finally come to fruition! As it will obviously be sold in extremely limited supply, there will be no fixed price, but I welcome the offers of millionaires and billionaires around the globe."

Gwen Hammond
CEO, Hammond Corp.

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO., A Quick & Hammond Enterprise

As thousands, if not millions, of refugees flee their homelands for greener pastures around the globe, there are countless pieces of top-notch property being left to the crows - and for good reason. There are billions of dollars to be made! Do you know how much untapped land is just sitting out there, in politically tense areas and recently war-ravaged nations, waiting for you and yours to transform it into the home that you've always dreamed of owning?

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. is ready and willing to help change your life. We offer expert advice on international land law and acquisition, ex-pat rights, foreign investments, and personal high-tech security options. Worried that you're not going to be able to get around those pesky indigenous folks who want their homes back? Don't! There's no problem when you enlist the services of GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. Land that was once owned by indigenous shepherds and their poor families is just waiting for YOU! No worries - those indigenous folks won't be back. In places like Northern Cyprus, Lebanon, and Iraq, the EU is allowing anyone but the original owners to purchase it! That's right. Family dowries, inheritances, et cetera...all out the window! Dust in the wind. This land is ripe for the picking, ready to be cultivated and/or paved-over! Who better to do it with than GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO? The time is NOW!

We offer state of the art protection and security better than any gated community:
- concrete walls
- barbed wire fencing
- watch-towers (manned 24-7)
- anti-tank ditches
- and, best of all - minefields.

Just imagine yourself there! Get Rich Quick!: MultiFamily Chateau: Rendition Ready!

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. is a Quick & Hammond Enterprise. (Not affiliated with other international property firms or their representatives)

On Billionaires Who Fail Us: Warren Buffet

Warren, let me begin by saying: What in God’s name are you thinking??? $37 billion dollars and you’re first thought is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Most of the health and education issues in the world’s poorest countries are already being addressed by a plethora of other groups. For the love of God, you know how much the St. Moritz Chateau Relief Charity is struggling right now. Our maids are pratically wearing polyester, our chef is still using the same menu that we used last month, I mean, we are in a state of near-disrepair. When we spoke last, you told me that I would be the first you would call…so why am I here, reading about you in Fortune…shacked-up in Rome’s Excalibur, when I could be administering aid and support to the cause that you so valiantly helped me to design? I am vexed. Your superfluous spending makes me wonder, Warrie: did you become a billionaire for the right reasons? You are reminding me of our old friend, Dr. Severenz, who has joined the unwashed and committed himself to philosophizing with nutjob democrats and spiritualists…

You believe in “giving something back to society,” do you? My God, Warrie!?! Whatever happened to giving back to High Society? What has become of the cold and calculating man whom I once loved and respected? I just don’t know. This will go down as a dark day in the NAAWP. I’m sorry, but we shall be canceling your membership.

Oh, and by the way – the New York Times has commented on the irony that you (the world’s second wealthiest man) are giving 85% of your fortune to Bill (the world’s first wealthiest man). They seem to have forgotten Richard. Why is everyone so hot about the Colbert cover-up when they should be wondering why one of the biggest newspapers in the country is hushing-up one of the most important facts of our generation: that Richard Quick, Esq. is the world’s wealthiest man – uncontested?

Gwen Hammond
Co-Chair, National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People

Hammond CHURCH PROXIES: Faith on your Behalf!

Are you an ultra-modern professional who's too exhausted after drinking your corporate woes away on Saturday night to go to church on Sunday morning? Tired of saying that you 'believe' but not doing anything about it?

Hammond Corporation is offering you an exclusive chance to put some action behind those words!

Buy a Hammond Church Proxy today and say goodbye to guilt! That's right. You'll never have to sit in church again because Hammond Church Proxies will sit there for you! Become part of a tradition dating back thousands of years! Impress your friends, family, and whomever that person in your bed is!

WHY purchase a Hammond Church Proxy?
- They sit there!
- They pray for you!
- They never leave!

They offer levels of religious devotion that will make your grandparents feel guilty!!!

Lessen your chances of ending up in the pit of eternal Hellfire today by purchasing one now. (Order today and get 10% off personal inscriptions) They make great gifts. Sell them at your next Hammond Home Party!

No-Bid Contract Awarded to QuickCo. for the Construction of Muscatel Midway

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. happens to be the first to purchase a Hammond 'HOBOTRON' for use on the Quick Estate's lower veranda. Because of this, and the fact that Richard has proven his genetic millionaire superiority time and time again, I'd like to formally announce that the QuickCo. construction firm has been awarded the prestigious no-bid contract for the construction of Muscatel Midway Theme Park!

I sent a team of my employess to the Quick estate this morning with two truckloads of Frozen Flagship Patties as a token of my appreciation...(I hope the preparred bathtub with floating candles and antique Federal Reserve Notes wasn't too much...)

Muscatel Midway will feature, among other things, a HOBOTRON, shopping cart bumper rides, fried rat-on-a-stick concessions, Piss-N-Shoot target games, a Back-O-the-Bus ride, and an extravagent 'It's Midnight in tha Hood: Do You Know Where Your Crack Dealer Is?' Hammond Haunted House, complete with live junkies, muggings, and a Bling Shop where you can stop for all of your 12-karat and cubic zirconium needs!

Looking forward to our next NAAWP soiree... This is going to be great!

Hammond Corp to Release New Line of Theme Park Rides

Are you a millionaire who’s tired of leading a double life?

Sick of that nagging curiosity about what it feels like to be completely down-and-out?

Tired of people telling you that you don’t understand the other side?

Worry not, friends. Hammond Corporation has recently developed a groundbreaking new device that will put you in touch with the plight of those on the absolute lowest level of the social hierarchy!

Free yourself from the hardships and worries common to people in your social position by taking a ride on the All New HOBOTRON!!! Get a rush of complete degeneracy and utter indigence in the privacy of your own home!

Looking at the ad, you might ask yourself: “What the hell does it do?” This is an important question. You will notice that the device is completely vertical. It will give you exhilarating jolts of up-and-downs, coloring your life (and your pants) with euphoria! Experience the dizzying rush of never knowing which way to turn... Quick... duck the creditor... dodge your ex... terrifying brushes with your AA sponsor, parole officer, welfare case worker, teens with gasoline... not to mention the topsy turvey world of mental illness, when there's no dough for therapy, meds, scotch...

Buy a machine today and sell rides to your friends, neighbors, dogs, and countrymen!

“It’s like tiramisu, with skid marks.” – Hammond Corp. employee

Hammond Corp. Announces New FLAGSHIP BURGERS, Calls Endangered Bengal Tigers "Quadripedal Bags-O-Cash"

After only hours of announcing the Hammond Corporation's decisive move to raise one dozen endangered Bengal tigers at its headquarters in Brazil, CEO Gwen Hammond released a press statement detailing the Hammond Corp.'s abrupt and unexpected change of plans.

"An extremely small human part of me had a bit of curiosity regarding the future of Bengal tigers... I kind of wanted to know what it feels like to do something good for the world so, I figured, 'hey - what's 20 tons of pens and pencils?' But I'll be honest with you, after drinking cosmos all night on my yacht, I have decided to forgo my former plan in favor of a more financially proactive approach to these rare flagship animals. From this point forward, the Hammond Corporation will be dealing with these tigers as 'utilitarian' resources. Not only can every single part of their bodies can be used for an untold number of things, but certain parts actually have magical properties! These babies are quadripedal bags-o-cash!"

The Hammond Corporation's first step toward world domination and complete control of the global food market will be to go ahead with the manufacturing and mass-distribution of their new line of freezer foods.

Their first product will be: GWEN HAMMOND'S FROZEN FLAGSHIP PATTIES (aka: 'Hammies')

Production will begin this week. Check back for purchase info.

NEW: Hammond Corporation to Raise ENDANGERED SPECIES for Profit

This week, the Hammond Corporation solidified plans with rural Nepalese tribal elders re: the trade of 20 tons of "Jesus Saves! Beacon of Lite Non-Denominational Church Camp" pens and pencils in exchange for one dozen Bengal tigers! A great addition to the Hammond Corp.'s manatee collection!

The tigers are reported to already have been smuggled out of the country and transported to a remote Brazilian village where CEO Gwen Hammond's expert team of guest workers will feed and teach the animals. Upon reaching the appropriate age, the tigers will then be sold to Zoos around the world for an unspecified amount of money.

Hammond Corp. prides itself on its ability to secure the purchase of endangered animals around the globe. Such animals would otherwise not be valued the way that Hammond Corp. values them: as natural resources, and hillarious entertainment. Our flagship animals do nothing less than impress the best!

Gwen Hammond says:

"...for the love of God. Don't you people have anything better to do?"

NEW! Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond!

At the request of many of her friends and compatriots, Gwen has successfully completed the prototype of the brand new Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES. After months of intense scientific scrutiny, it has been determined that Gwen Hammond's Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES is the most durable, versatile, and attractive line of scarves on the international market.

Perfect for bedposts and ceiling fans!

The Hammond Corp. would like to give special thanks to Quick Research Group and the employees in the Guangdong Shin Province of the People's Republic of China for all of their effort at making this dream a reality for us!

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

Gwen Hammond's team of fibers specialists in the Shaanxi Guangdong Province have been hard at work this month! This is the latest Hammond design made just for you.

Order one today and get a FREE 'I Helped Save the Chateau' bumper sticker!!!

Don't delay! Act NOW! These babies are flying fast!

US vs. THEM: Why WE Will Always Win

Scientists have recently made a breakthrough discovery with regards to genetics that, frankly, not only adds weight to my argument of millionaire Superiority - it proves it.

Genetic factors are directly responsible for one's ability to climb the rungs of the social ladder. I can't tell you how many times I've discussed this at my poolside with my employees, often facing opposition. I always stuck to my guns. And, I'm sorry, but I have to laugh now because, I told you so. Not only is there empirical evidence to support my argument, but it proves that my propensity for rightness is due to my advantageous genetic composition.

The ability to create thousands of jobs in China while making billions of dollars in the process is not something that just anyone can do. The real power rests in the sacred genetic makeup of a select few individuals on this planet, and I am proud to be one of them.

http://news.netdoctor.co.uk/news_detail.php?id=17134569&date=06/06/2006


Gwen Hammond
NAAWP

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

This is the most recent design of Hammond Scarves, made exclusively for you by Gwen Hammond and her fabulous team of fibers specialists from the People’s Republic of China. They're pumping out a whopping 35,000 per day in the Guangxi Zhuang Province so there can be no shortage of patriotism on your part!

All proceeds will be put toward the St. Moritz Relief Effort. Order yours today!

On the Morality of Rational Self-Interest

It's unlikely that this defense will win me many friends or even garner much attention. However, writing it is the only way I know to act as a positive role model for younger Millionaires.

Perhaps before going on, I should describe Dr Phillip Severenz to you. Dr Severenz is delusional, and sophomoric. He is also a former member of the NAAWP whose membership was terminated when it was discovered that he donated three quaters of his fortune to a religious charity after a experiencing some kind of "mystical epiphany."

You may find it amusing or even titillating to read about Dr Severenz's opinions, but they're not amusing to me. They're deeply troubling. He has attempted to destroy those with whom I have established a great empire, people whose fortunes I care for, and I will not let it stand. Dr. Severenz, you cannot destroy a Billionaire. You need us. We are your vertebrae, your sun. We are the motors of the world. Pat yourself on your back if you need to. But know this: your sheltered academic think tank will not accomplish as much as, say, $10,000,000,000 and a night at my villa with my Brazilian service staff. Relinquish your present morals and you will find paradise. It is just around the corner, trust me. I, too, have taken that step.

Dr. Severenz clearly operates on the basis of an unremitting hatred of wealth and leisure due to a dellusional belief that the soul exists and needs to be "cultivated" by denying the pleasures that are due to us. If we let him make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs, all we'll have to look forward to in the future is a public realm devoid of culture and a narrow and routinized professional life untouched by the highest creations of civilization. Richard Quick is an outstanding citizen, a self-made man, and wants nothing more than to help the underprivileged, yet Dr. Severenz bestows him with the title "Artabilious and shallow." Richard Quick has made countless people millionaires overnight, yet Dr. Severenz says that he "has never inscribed his name on the Parthenon of human excellence." Is this not excellent? Are these not the things that people want? Is he not operating under the virtues that you and your beer-guzzling academic blowhards put forward? He is Santa Claus, Dr. Severenz, and you are being a bad boy.

It's easy to tell if Dr Severenz's lying. If his lips are moving, he's lying. There. I have said everything.

Feel free to browse his absurdity here:
http://drseverenz.blogspot.com/

Gwen Hammond
Co-chair, NAAWP

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

Yet another new design from Gwen Hammond! Perfect for the course!

Order yours today!

Recently, I have come under intense attack regarding the manner and locus of manufacture of my new line of Hammond scarves, and I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify my position.

Evidently people are concerned that our trade relations with China have done too much to fuel the remarkable economic growth of the country in recent years. But upon close examination, it is clear that the technological advancements of the Chinese far outweigh their social deficiencies (whatever those are), especially the engineering developments in areas of artificial intelligence and biomolecular superplasm freezing – two scientific endeavors that are smoking the international community right underneath their feet. Some are concerned and say that this will be the undoing of our Great Nation. Oh well, I say. My scarves are printed and sewn right there in the Shaangxi province so, I can afford to watch it happen with a glass of champagne in my hand.

As a secure millionaire with more homes than I know what to do with, I am proud to be able to enjoy life the way most people only dream of living. And you can rest assured that at least half of the profits from every Hammond scarf purchase will be put to good use.

So, when the giant Red Army of self-aware Chinabots lands on these shores, I’ll be long gone. Or, I’ll be behind the control panel.

Thanks so much for your time,

Gwen Hammond
National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) Women’s Auxiliary

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

This is the most recent design of Hammond Scarves, made exclusively for you by Gwen Hammond and her fabulous team of fibers specialists from the People’s Republic of China. They're pumping out a whopping 35,000 per day in the Guangxi Zhuang Province so there can be no shortage of patriotism on your part!

Buy one today. Or, be a hero and buy twenty.

Contact me for further details,

Gwen Hammond
CGLG, NAAWP