On Billionaires Who Fail Us: Warren Buffet

Warren, let me begin by saying: What in God’s name are you thinking??? $37 billion dollars and you’re first thought is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Most of the health and education issues in the world’s poorest countries are already being addressed by a plethora of other groups. For the love of God, you know how much the St. Moritz Chateau Relief Charity is struggling right now. Our maids are pratically wearing polyester, our chef is still using the same menu that we used last month, I mean, we are in a state of near-disrepair. When we spoke last, you told me that I would be the first you would call…so why am I here, reading about you in Fortune…shacked-up in Rome’s Excalibur, when I could be administering aid and support to the cause that you so valiantly helped me to design? I am vexed. Your superfluous spending makes me wonder, Warrie: did you become a billionaire for the right reasons? You are reminding me of our old friend, Dr. Severenz, who has joined the unwashed and committed himself to philosophizing with nutjob democrats and spiritualists…

You believe in “giving something back to society,” do you? My God, Warrie!?! Whatever happened to giving back to High Society? What has become of the cold and calculating man whom I once loved and respected? I just don’t know. This will go down as a dark day in the NAAWP. I’m sorry, but we shall be canceling your membership.

Oh, and by the way – the New York Times has commented on the irony that you (the world’s second wealthiest man) are giving 85% of your fortune to Bill (the world’s first wealthiest man). They seem to have forgotten Richard. Why is everyone so hot about the Colbert cover-up when they should be wondering why one of the biggest newspapers in the country is hushing-up one of the most important facts of our generation: that Richard Quick, Esq. is the world’s wealthiest man – uncontested?

Gwen Hammond
Co-Chair, National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People