Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon

I am Gwen Hammond, scarf designer, CEO, and founder of the Chatillon-sur-Glane Leisure Group. If you'd like a full colour catalogue of my fashions, please send an email.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

It appears so, folks. Don't be surprised - be jealous.

I'm sure all of you remember when Richard and I made that little archaeological discovery at our construction site last week. (Who couldn't? Call us pompous if you must but we are vanguards of culture acquisition!) Anyway, Quick Research Group has been studying it since that day and just phoned with some of the the results. Brace yourselves for this because you're going to be just as shocked as we were.

First off, the object that was pulled out of the ground ended up being a lidded box (we were ecstatic when we discovered that the lid was secured with only a few nails so, naturally, we pried it open with a crowbar...those things are so utilitarian!). Inside they found what appeared to be the petrified remains of a partially eaten cheeseburger. I know, it's incredible but we have the evidence right here and you're the first to hear about it. Photos are being taken for the AP wire as we speak, and Quick Researchers are performing radiocarbon and thermo-luminescence dating on two small pieces that have been removed for testing. Needless to say, we are all anxiously awaiting their findings.

I hired a local philologist to examine the inscription on the outer wall of the box and - are you ready for this - it says:

SACRED BURGER OF JESUS THE CHRIST
CONSUMED DURING THE LAST SUPPER,
ENTRUSTED TO THE CARE OF THE MORRIST FATHERS,
PROTECTED BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE ORDER OF THE PIGASYS.
IF THOU MESSETH WITH IT, THOU SHALT SUFFER THE RELENTLESS AND ETERNAL SCOURGE OF THE DARK ONE.

My God! Isn't this amazing? I mean, I am floored. Just floored! Wow.

You have to hand it to these Quick Researchers, really. They're an outstanding team of professionals. They understand the true meaning of science and are unafraid of standing up to the biased liberal media when confronted about taking controversial steps in order to get the job done. They deserve the utmost praise. Good job, boys!

(The Poet Laureate of the New Utopia has been notified of the discovery and I've taken the liberty of flying him to Florence with hopes that he will chronicle this for our future generations. We are so excited to host him!)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"Severenzism" (n.) The abdication of one's mind, as evidenced by Dr. Severenz

Dr. Severenz, the foolhardy liberal is at it again. Caught up in undefined and ridiculous arguements, he has now taken his 'disciples' and his agenda to the street. Suits him well. I always thought that he belonged there.

Saturday witnessed a Dr. Severenz-inspired orgy of naked bike-riders, some with painted bodies, others whose faces were masked with bandanas, people in ninja suits (!?!) and, naturally and in keeping with the fundamentals of Severenzism, folks dressed up as turtles. Mmm, yes. Looks like you have real upper-crust darlings on your side, Dr. Severenz. I have yet to witness the strength of their words yield as much as their costumes.

Dr. Severenz, I am having trouble deciding whether reality has served you with an eviction notice or if you have abandoned it in a breech of contract. Enlighten me, please.

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP

Gwen Hammond Receives Suspect Reply From "Smarmy Whole" Manager

Friday, July 21, 2006

Call Me Priscilla Ray: a Love Poem for Eric

I composed the following poem while relaxing in my colonial garden. I want to share it with you all. For I am in love.

"Call Me Priscilla"

In your absence I
try
to make this work
but
the thought of you
in Melos mouthing words
looking upon the skin of
other women
with those eyes
it
just kills me. God...
damn it!
This is preposterous.
I

am in serious need
of
a martini.

Gwen Hammond's Letter to Mr. Ray

My Dearest Eric,

Too many nights have passed since the time I saw you last. What'er is this relationship to become if we cannot find time to communicate once in a while? I miss you so.

Nights and days slip by...the memory of you burns like hot embers in my mind. Though I try, I cannot stop thinking about the way your mouth moved when lip-synching...it was almost as if you were actually...

I understand that you are Foreign, Eric, which means a great many things to me. Most importantly, that you should be mine. Which is why I am building a stage for you in my basement at this very moment. Well, I'm not building it, you see. But it is being taken care of by my own construction crew. The thought of endless nights of glittering streamers, purple lights and fuscia spandex, my God...you drive me crazy. I never knew I could feel like this.

Enclosed you will find a one-way ticket to Rome (where I am). Don't worry about the language barrier, my dear...I have hired a Psychic Interpreter of Foreign Languages who will not only help us communicate, they will also bear our wine and water. Hope you don't mind company :)

Looking forward to seeing you.

Always,
Gwen

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Eric Ray, Here is One That Loveth Thee

Over the weekend, I sailed to the Greek Isles with hopes of getting my hands on a good ouzo for a change (I'm growing weary of this vinsanto and biscotti, really, these Italians need to diversify a little). Anyway, after docking the yacht, I found myself wandering around an obscure little neighborhood in search of, well, I didn't know what I was in search of, actually. Something different. A change. A break from the norm. A flash of lightening in the dark of night...Something like...

Eric Ray.

I stumbled upon a quaint cafe/karaoke club called "The Smarmy Whole" and discovered a man sitting hunched-over at the end of the bar, clad in a tight blue leisure suit and holding a cigarette. He glared at me. I don't know how long I stood there, staring at him, but I couldn't move. I wanted to inform him that his attire was extremely dated but, I couldn't. I tried. I was frozen. It felt like forever. I didn't know what to do so, I asked him if he was the bartender. He took a drag from his cigarette, glared at me, put the cigarette out, turned away and walked through a door in the back of the club. My heart sank. Frozen and horrified, I managed to turn toward the exit. Then the music started.

Out of nowhere, the lights dimmed, a disco ball began to turn and a stage with shiny streamers was brilliantly illuminated by purple spotlights from up above, as if by an angel...

I stood, watching, wondering what the hell was going on here.

Then, there he was in all of his glory. My God, I could hardly breathe!

He performed for me, a lip-sync version of an obscure song...I was the only one there, but he performed for me. And I didn't have to order him to. He wasn't on my payroll...wasn't interested in bigger Christmas bonuses or extra vacation time...

The manager burst through the kitchen doors, shut the music off and began screaming at this Divine Creature in front of me. Then I realized that my dear Eric was Greek. Did not speak a word of english. I was incredibly frustrated. These foreign languages are becoming a serious problem in our modern world. Hopefully our efforts at Globalization will soon cure this international social affliction.

So here I am. Back in Rome, dreaming of my dear Eric Ray. Wondering what makes him tick. What is underneath that nylon/polyester cubic zirconium-studded suit? There is something about him. I am admittedly helpless, drawn-in by his product-laden hair and eyeliner, bling rings... my God, just altogether a radically different approach to this life...and he does it with such style!

If I could, I would whisk him away...to Las Vegas...where we would have an impromptu marriage. It doesn't help that Paris is egging me on. I've always dreamed of donning a beehive and white go-go boots this way but...this type of display would not be appropriate for a woman of my standing.

And, my father would kill me. "Whatever happened to that Quick boy?" he always says. "Daddy, you play golf with him nearly every other week. Please stop asking me." Why must our parents always pull at our most vulnerable heart strings?

I have instructed my assistant to contact Mr. Ray on my behalf, in order to present him with an offer that no one in his position could refuse.

I await his reply.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Green Line - IBI Urban Overhaul Unexpectedly Halted by Surprising Archaeological Discovery in Vatican City


Yesterday, while Green Line's construction crews were digging, Richard and I watched from above as three of our executive engineers happened upon a small rectangular object (roughly the size of a jewelry box) that appeared to be carved, exhibiting various shallow incisions on each side. One of the men held it up above his head, looked at us, and began weeping in a dramatic and unmasculine fashion. Richard gave me a quick glance and had him fired immediately.

Several moments passed. While we watched the police drag the man out of the deep pit, I decided it was time to get my heels dirty. So I took them off and had four crew members carry me down into the trench. On the way, I said "...Next time, fetch my litter or I'll sic the dog of Hades on your children!" I could tell they were choking back laughs. Nevertheless, I haven't had that many men's hands on me since the gala in St. Moritz. It was great.

Upon reaching the bottom of the pit, one of the three remaining engineers slowly handed the object to me while bowing his head in admiration (he'll be getting a large Christmas bonus this year). As I inspected it, I noticed that it had an inscription - in Greek. "Figures," I thought, "it's so rare that these things are ever written in English." I motioned to Richard to call our Interpreter of Dead Foreign Languages immediately.

While waiting for Rosaria to arrive, I had Giovanni hold the box under a faucet with hot running water, in order to remove the dirt and encrustations from the surface. He protested at first, but I promised a substantial increase in overtime availability if he wanted it. With reluctance, he nodded and did what I asked. Rosaria showed up moments later and gasped when she saw Giovanni doing what I had told him to do, for reasons that will forever remain a mystery to me because I cannot understand two people who are waving their hands about and loudly bickering in Italian. I began to get a headache, so I fired them both, took the box and met Richard in the Ferrari.

Over an espresso, we decided to hire a team of specialists to come in and investigate our construction zone. The law firm of Quick, Duhk & Hyde informed us that there are international laws that cannot be breached in situations such as these, so we must employ objective scientists to do the job. Unfortunately, Green Line's IBI will have to wait until they figure out what the hell we have on our hands here. In the meantime, Hammond Corp is hiring the newly formed Quick Cultural Management team to perform the services necessary for us to continue with our Urban Overhaul.

Undeterred,

Gwen Hammond
Partner, Green Line Real Estate Co.
CEO, Hammond Corp.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Hammond Corp. to Raise Extremely Rare White-headed and Laysan Ducks

Friends, and fellow foie gras aficionados who happen to live in the Chicago area, it gives me great pleasure to announce the Hammond Corporation's recent acquisition of an extensive plot of land and 2,000 endangered ducks.

In response to Chicago's ban, I have decisively taken action against these Vegenazis by illustrating just how easy it is to slight them. Veganista Terrorist activities harm the good people of our society and Chicago's latest decision to ban foie gras is nothing less than a slap in the face.

Fear not. Hammond Corp has decisively taken action against these vile liberals and their absurd agenda. I have secured the purchase of 1,000 extremely rare White-headed ducks and 1,000 relict Laysan ducks for the production of foie gras, the likes of which the world has never seen...or tasted. The White-headed ducks are being shipped at this very moment (so exciting!) all the way from the brackish marshes of Lake Ismarida, Greece. With a total world population at only 15,000 these darlings should taste magnificent! The Laysan ducks are only a stone's throw away...right in our very own Pacific Islands. With these two exotic choices, you can't go wrong.

Don't believe the hype!!! Ignore those VT's and their liberal agenda. Here is what one intelligent consumer had to say:
“It does bother me the way it’s raised, but then my grandfather raised cattle in Kansas, so I’m very aware of what farm life is like,” said Pati Heestand, a retired graphic designer and foie gras aficionado.

Hammond Corp is committed to the preservation of luxury and acquired tastes world-wide. Interested buyers: please email.

Gwen Hammond
CEO, Hammond Corp.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Behold, the Hand of Magnanimity: Green Line Real Estate's SPECIAL OFFER II

In response to many of the emails we've received from individuals voicing their concerns over the safety of their Green Line property purchases, I'd like to take this opportunity to demonstrate our willingness to sympathize with our loyal patrons by presenting yet another special offer from Green Line Real Estate.

War time real estate speculation is a tricky business, certainly not for the faint of heart. Because many of our properties are in Buffer Zones and politically tense areas, we have agreed that offering some kind investment protection plan to you is only proper and actually works to our benefit.

Green Line Real Estate is now offering a brand new property insurance package that we have been passionately referring to as the Owner’s Investment Protection Plan (OIPP), an all-inclusive insurance package that will allow you to sleep relatively peacefully with the knowledge and assurance that you and yours will have an explosively bright future.

Life is full of surprises that, in some cases, might sneak up behind you like a daisy cutter and take out your entire family. Green Line Real Estate understands that watching your wife and two small children burn in a firestorm that has engulfed your home is something that nobody wants to do, and that is why we are extending our hand of magnanimity. Starting today, you can purchase the GLRE-OIPP to insure your home, your land, all of your financial assets, your life, and the lives of your family members.

The GLRE-OIPP is offered to all new Green Line Real Estate renters and buyers, as well as those who have signed a GLRE Work-to-Own Program contract. 4H entrepreneurs have been instructed to contact our office.

Details to be released within the week.

GH

Lebanon Special Offer from Green Line Real Estate

The bombs they are a flyin' - and you know what that means: the homes we are a sellin'! These beautiful homes are going fast, folks. Don't miss this one of a kind opportunity to bring your dreams into reality!

Sure, Beirut is being bombed right now, but you can rest easy because Green Line Real Estate has already been given the inside scoop on detailed economic forecast models that were recently conducted by our privately funded researchers. We anticipate selling quite a few homes in the area of Beirut proper.

But for now, we are offering you a special deal on this 2-story multi family chateau that is rendition ready! (See above) This beautiful property is located just outside of Beirut in a charming suburb that offers top notch protection better than any gated community. Our special security feature: manned watch towers. You can rest in peace knowing that Green Line's UN peacekeeping force surrounds your beautiful home 24-7. This outstanding and extraordinary property can be yours with little to no effort!

Don't forget to sign up for these amazing programs:

Start a Friendly Fire Fast Funds (4H) Franchise! Repatriate those American funds quickly! GET RICH QUICK: Start a Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!

Take advantage of our 4H Accelerated Sympathy Service (ASS) and receive a Sympathy Anticipation Check* (SAC) – a loan based on your anticipated refund amount and life expectancy. Up to $9,999!

Sign our new 'GLRE Work-to-Own Program' Contract today! Don't miss out! Own your own home by participating in our simple and incredibly easy No Money Down program!

Any questions or concern you might have are welcome. Green Line Real Estate is a Quick & Hammond company that is not affiliated with other international Real Estate firms or their representatives.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Gwen Hammond Announces Details of Secretive Urban Development Program in Vatican City

Last week, CEO Gwen Hammond met with Vatican City Officials to discuss plans for a massive urban engineering overhaul in the tiny European mini-state whose primary ATM language is Latin. It is said that the enlisted services of an Interpreter of Dead Foreign Languages proved to be especially helpful to Ms. Hammond when speaking at great length with Benny and his men. Hammond stated that the Green Line International Business Initiative has been given legal permission by Vatican City Officials to go ahead with their massive Urban Development Overhaul (UDO), regarded as one of the most extraordinary engineering feats of the twenty-first century. She recently gave this statement outside of St. Peter’s:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today… not as a foreigner, but as one of your very own. Take care to notice that I have been outfitted in all-black Versace chiffon and Milanese stilettos as well as Dolce & Gabana sunglasses. Can you see the logo from that far away? I assure you, it is there. I sincerely hope, with all of my cold and calculating heart, that you welcome my words and intent with thoroughly washed open arms.

The new Green Line International Business Initiative has been designed so that we (meaning you, the people, and perhaps a few Romanians) can together take part in one of the most exciting urban development projects of our time. Green Line’s International Business Initiative is unrivaled and groundbreaking, a desert oasis for the weary and downtrodden who wallow in the septic tank of low social rank, wishing to fulfill dreams and stuff pocketbooks with the sweet dew of the universe.

The Green Line’s IBI-UDO seeks to boost the local economy by modernizing the ancient city’s plumbing system, an intricate network of pipes that will be cleverly diverted from the Vatican and re-routed to a secret and undisclosed location in the city of Naples, It. I have assembled a team of the best engineers that money can buy: QuickCo Construction, Survey, and Equip. as well as Quick Research Group’s scientists and general engineers. The waste from the toilets within the Vatican will be automatically channeled to a supremely designed smart filtration system that my team has been affectionately referring to as 'The Immaculate Contraption' which will intelligently sort liquids and solids, separating and storing them in their respective places for future use.

This is a massive and unprecedented undertaking that will require enormous effort on your part and will no doubt be rewarded with a flourishing economic…situation. All I am asking from you, my people, is blind and unquestioning faith – trust in the Green Line International Business Initiative. Your efforts will prove to be highly beneficial for you and your descendants. We are here to help you realize your western destiny and to fulfill the wishes of your forefathers whose ruins still nobly stand as a testament of Moral Self-Interest.

We are really looking forward to watching your economy boom. Construction will begin tomorrow. Thank you for your time."

HAMMOND EGGS: Human Caviar by Gwen Hammond

You will love them in a box
They are as saucy as a fox
To be had in the house
With pate of mouse
You'll love them here as you'll love them there
You will love them anywhere
You will love these Hammond Eggs
You will love them. You will.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

As is So Often the Case, I Have Recently Been Persuaded to Change My Mind


I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your kindness and support regarding the sale of my luxury super yacht. I've perused all of your emails and have found them wholly encouraging - it's so good to know that our community is one of solidarity and refined taste! I thought that the fourth of July was going to be my last romp with lovely Gordon (I rented some negroes to grill some Frozen Flagship Patties - it was great!) but, as you will see below, the situation has changed.

Recently, I received a letter from a man who is allegedly the Honorary VP of the Yacht Club de Monaco. While I was glad to read his email and overjoyed to meet another millionaire, I must admit, I do not recall ever encountering him while in Monaco nor at any of the soirees that I have held in honor of other YCM Charter Members. His email reads:


Dear Gwen Hammond (Hammond Corp. CEO),

On behalf of the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco I wish enquire to your recent post.

Whenever I happen upon the sale of a gorgeous vessel such as yours, I am often taken aback. As President of the Yacht Club de Monaco it confounds me when an elegant and lovely yacht such as your, quite immistakeably custom built Nigel Burgess , (I have 3 myself) is subordinated to "
this thing"! The craftmanship can only be likened to that of my Swiss made Breitling Navitimer Montbrillant timepiece, and the very sight of a Burgess is no doubt the sweetest candy to my cultured eye.

Alas my friend, it pains me to see a boat such as yours be sold. Therefore, the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco wish to invite you and your Burgess for a weekend to try to change your mind, and perhaps "bienvenue" you as a new member of our Club. Normally there is a lenghty waiting period in which potential members must "court" two current associés of our Club to gain entry, then are reviewed by my own board of Capitaines de Vaisseau du Monaco. Of course you would be able to sidestep this queue. Your yacht would be a wonderful addition to our docks.

And "what is in it for Hammond Corporation?", I can already anticipate you asking. My lady, just two simple words. The Parties. I have attached photos of a recent induction ceremony/party we had which starred a host of Hollywood actors, CEOs and longtime benefactors. They often stop by unannounced. Donations from our last gathering alone will probably provide enough 1967 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild to last us until August, or until the Trophee Grimaldi, an exciting regatta around the Balearics in which my fellow armateur Giovanni Broggi and his magnificent 'Capria II' won by just a few lengths last year. Often our celebrations and feastings go long into the night and do not end until the police show up (often they stay - I hope this is not a problem). So why would anyone not want to have fun with the best Club on the Cote d'Azur? At the very least it would be a place for you to take your favorite clients.

Please bring in your trunk a white or navy blue blazer (sans silver/gold buttons as they are reserved for stewards), along with a white skirt for the daytime and a white dress for evening wear, as per our dress code from 1 May - 30 September (I will supply the proper Y.C.M. insignia if necessary).

Faithfully,
E.M. Faulerhaus
Honorary VP, YCM


Mr. Faulerhaus, as much as I appreciate your offer and willingness to entertain me, I am shocked that you do not know who I am nor do you know that I am already a member of your club. While I shall refrain from calling into question the validity of your credentials, I do feel compelled to inform you that I have spent many a night watching the French police sadistically handcuff YCM stewards for kicks (really a treat! I often order mine to 'tie one on' with one of my extremely durable and gorgeous HAMMOND Scarves, but that is neither here nor there). Ask your predecessor about me, I'm certain that he will remember my famous bottle tricks.

But back to my boat, it is indeed a Nigel Burgess, and it is fine. It has treated me well over the duration of our passionate three month relationship but, as you can see, the media has recognized it and now follow me everywhere. They are enrelenting. Do you know what it feels like to be persued constantly, no matter where you go? Do you know how much of a bother it is, ordering a crew of naked young men to run to their quarters every damn half-an-hour, because you hear the sound of helicopter blades or the motors of racing boats? It is stressful, dealing with these television crews. If it were not for my custom installed triple-down mattress, I probably would have a hard time sleeping at night.

Though I intend to sell it, perhaps I will make an exception. I shall wait until after I attend one of your parties.

Gwen Hammond
Charter Member, YCM
Founder, CGLG

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Luxury Super Yacht For Sale

I've got to get rid of this thing. It's drivin me crazy.

Email if interested.

Monday, July 03, 2006

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE Offers New 'GLRE Work-to-Own Program'

On a recent trip to Al-Mansur, Iraq, RQ and I took note of the amazing number of people who stood for hours in long lines waiting to collect their check from the US Gov., claiming a vast array of injuries, loss of wives, children, homes, et cetera. You wouldn't believe how many people were there!?! They really know how to put on a good show. Their 'injuries' and cries rivaled some of the best actors I know. Apparently the US Gov. is offering these folks something called "Sympathy Payments," and it seems that everyone wants to collect. It was obvious to both of us that these people are clearly developing the Millionaire Mindset.

RQ and I were inspired and decided to seize the moment by transforming it into an extremely lucrative financial opportunity. Why sit back and watch all of these foreigners get away with thousands of dollars, sometimes on a daily basis? YOU can do it too! For the small price of a one-way plane ticket, you can find yourself in one of the most beautiful places in the world, surrounded by palm trees, gorgeous people, and great food! Join the ranks of people with an incredibly high income potential by taking advantage of the GLRE Work-to-Own Program today!

How does the GLRE Work-to-Own Program operate? It's simple, easy, and flexible. All you have to do is have the motivation to get the job done. The beautiful Green Line home/land that you've had your eye on can be yours with little to no effort! All you have to do is don some dirty clothes, fake some injuries, lie about some deaths... It's incredibly easy! If you have the Millionaire Mindset and a GLRE Work-to-Own make-up kit, you will make thousands of dollars just by standing in line once a day, every week! The money that you collect is direct-deposited into a special Green Line account and will be automatically applied to the purchase of your own home or plot of land. It doesn't get any easier than this!

By following the GLRE Work-to-Own Program's simple steps, you could potentially receive up to:
$6,000 for your 'accidentally bombed' house! (We shall provide a complete list of fake addresses for you to use)
$2,500 for EACH dead family member!
$1,000 for EACH injury!

You see, it is incredibly easy. Green Line Real Estate is waiting for YOU!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Hammond Corp. CEO Meets With Vatican Officials to Discuss Massive Urban Engineering Overhaul

Today, CEO Gwen Hammond arrived in Vatican City to discuss a massive urban engineering project that remains cloaked in mystery.

Amid a throng of onlookers, Hammond left St. Peter's in what seemed like a hurry, but one reporter managed to ask about the details of the engineering project and received what some might consider a cool reply: "It's great. Let it suffice to say that this economy is going to boom because of me. Thank your lucky stars!"

In a public statement, Hammond said that the project's details and the results of today's discussions will be be disclosed as soon as possible. "We have a lot to think about right now...what we are attempting to accomplish is something that has never been done before...I can assure you that everyone is as excited as I am about this...please stay tuned."