As is So Often the Case, I Have Recently Been Persuaded to Change My Mind

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your kindness and support regarding the sale of my luxury super yacht. I've perused all of your emails and have found them wholly encouraging - it's so good to know that our community is one of solidarity and refined taste! I thought that the fourth of July was going to be my last romp with lovely Gordon (I rented some negroes to grill some Frozen Flagship Patties - it was great!) but, as you will see below, the situation has changed.

Recently, I received a letter from a man who is allegedly the Honorary VP of the Yacht Club de Monaco. While I was glad to read his email and overjoyed to meet another millionaire, I must admit, I do not recall ever encountering him while in Monaco nor at any of the soirees that I have held in honor of other YCM Charter Members. His email reads:


Dear Gwen Hammond (Hammond Corp. CEO),

On behalf of the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco I wish enquire to your recent post.

Whenever I happen upon the sale of a gorgeous vessel such as yours, I am often taken aback. As President of the Yacht Club de Monaco it confounds me when an elegant and lovely yacht such as your, quite immistakeably custom built Nigel Burgess , (I have 3 myself) is subordinated to "this thing"! The craftmanship can only be likened to that of my Swiss made Breitling Navitimer Montbrillant timepiece, and the very sight of a Burgess is no doubt the sweetest candy to my cultured eye.

Alas my friend, it pains me to see a boat such as yours be sold. Therefore, the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco wish to invite you and your Burgess for a weekend to try to change your mind, and perhaps "bienvenue" you as a new member of our Club. Normally there is a lenghty waiting period in which potential members must "court" two current associés of our Club to gain entry, then are reviewed by my own board of Capitaines de Vaisseau du Monaco. Of course you would be able to sidestep this queue. Your yacht would be a wonderful addition to our docks.

And "what is in it for Hammond Corporation?", I can already anticipate you asking. My lady, just two simple words. The Parties. I have attached photos of a recent induction ceremony/party we had which starred a host of Hollywood actors, CEOs and longtime benefactors. They often stop by unannounced. Donations from our last gathering alone will probably provide enough 1967 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild to last us until August, or until the Trophee Grimaldi, an exciting regatta around the Balearics in which my fellow armateur Giovanni Broggi and his magnificent 'Capria II' won by just a few lengths last year. Often our celebrations and feastings go long into the night and do not end until the police show up (often they stay - I hope this is not a problem). So why would anyone not want to have fun with the best Club on the Cote d'Azur? At the very least it would be a place for you to take your favorite clients.

Please bring in your trunk a white or navy blue blazer (sans silver/gold buttons as they are reserved for stewards), along with a white skirt for the daytime and a white dress for evening wear, as per our dress code from 1 May - 30 September (I will supply the proper Y.C.M. insignia if necessary).

Faithfully,
E.M. Faulerhaus
Honorary VP, YCM

Mr. Faulerhaus, as much as I appreciate your offer and willingness to entertain me, I am shocked that you do not know who I am nor do you know that I am already a member of your club. While I shall refrain from calling into question the validity of your credentials, I do feel compelled to inform you that I have spent many a night watching the French police sadistically handcuff YCM stewards for kicks (really a treat! I often order mine to 'tie one on' with one of my extremely durable and gorgeous HAMMOND Scarves, but that is neither here nor there). Ask your predecessor about me, I'm certain that he will remember my famous bottle tricks.

But back to my boat, it is indeed a Nigel Burgess, and it is fine. It has treated me well over the duration of our passionate three month relationship but, as you can see, the media has recognized it and now follow me everywhere. They are enrelenting. Do you know what it feels like to be persued constantly, no matter where you go? Do you know how much of a bother it is, ordering a crew of naked young men to run to their quarters every damn half-an-hour, because you hear the sound of helicopter blades or the motors of racing boats? It is stressful, dealing with these television crews. If it were not for my custom installed triple-down mattress, I probably would have a hard time sleeping at night.

Though I intend to sell it, perhaps I will make an exception. I shall wait until after I attend one of your parties.

Gwen Hammond
Charter Member, YCM
Founder, CGLG