Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon

I am Gwen Hammond, scarf designer, CEO, and founder of the Chatillon-sur-Glane Leisure Group. If you'd like a full colour catalogue of my fashions, please send an email.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

It appears so, folks. Don't be surprised - be jealous.

I'm sure all of you remember when Richard and I made that little archaeological discovery at our construction site last week. (Who couldn't? Call us pompous if you must but we are vanguards of culture acquisition!) Anyway, Quick Research Group has been studying it since that day and just phoned with some of the the results. Brace yourselves for this because you're going to be just as shocked as we were.

First off, the object that was pulled out of the ground ended up being a lidded box (we were ecstatic when we discovered that the lid was secured with only a few nails so, naturally, we pried it open with a crowbar...those things are so utilitarian!). Inside they found what appeared to be the petrified remains of a partially eaten cheeseburger. I know, it's incredible but we have the evidence right here and you're the first to hear about it. Photos are being taken for the AP wire as we speak, and Quick Researchers are performing radiocarbon and thermo-luminescence dating on two small pieces that have been removed for testing. Needless to say, we are all anxiously awaiting their findings.

I hired a local philologist to examine the inscription on the outer wall of the box and - are you ready for this - it says:

SACRED BURGER OF JESUS THE CHRIST
CONSUMED DURING THE LAST SUPPER,
ENTRUSTED TO THE CARE OF THE MORRIST FATHERS,
PROTECTED BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE ORDER OF THE PIGASYS.
IF THOU MESSETH WITH IT, THOU SHALT SUFFER THE RELENTLESS AND ETERNAL SCOURGE OF THE DARK ONE.

My God! Isn't this amazing? I mean, I am floored. Just floored! Wow.

You have to hand it to these Quick Researchers, really. They're an outstanding team of professionals. They understand the true meaning of science and are unafraid of standing up to the biased liberal media when confronted about taking controversial steps in order to get the job done. They deserve the utmost praise. Good job, boys!

(The Poet Laureate of the New Utopia has been notified of the discovery and I've taken the liberty of flying him to Florence with hopes that he will chronicle this for our future generations. We are so excited to host him!)

2 Comments:

  • At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey gwen. nice legs:)

     
  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Gwen Hammond said…

    Why, thank you. Looks like you're finally warming up to me, Anonymous. A stark but welcome change from your first comment.

    These darlings do come at a price, though. A few treks up and down Mt. Kilimanjaro and you can have these babies too! (Incedentally, the ice is not receeding as much as they - and we all know who 'they' are - say. Most of those photos are doctored, honey. Don't let anyone fool you into believing any of that global warming stuff. It's all just liberal propaganda.)

     

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