Recently, I have come under intense attack regarding the manner and locus of manufacture of my new line of Hammond scarves, and I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify my position.

Evidently people are concerned that our trade relations with China have done too much to fuel the remarkable economic growth of the country in recent years. But upon close examination, it is clear that the technological advancements of the Chinese far outweigh their social deficiencies (whatever those are), especially the engineering developments in areas of artificial intelligence and biomolecular superplasm freezing – two scientific endeavors that are smoking the international community right underneath their feet. Some are concerned and say that this will be the undoing of our Great Nation. Oh well, I say. My scarves are printed and sewn right there in the Shaangxi province so, I can afford to watch it happen with a glass of champagne in my hand.

As a secure millionaire with more homes than I know what to do with, I am proud to be able to enjoy life the way most people only dream of living. And you can rest assured that at least half of the profits from every Hammond scarf purchase will be put to good use.

So, when the giant Red Army of self-aware Chinabots lands on these shores, I’ll be long gone. Or, I’ll be behind the control panel.

Thanks so much for your time,

Gwen Hammond
National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) Women’s Auxiliary