Kevin Bacon Acknowledges Gwen Hammond as Missing Social Link, Pleads for Her Friendship

Hi CEO Gwen Hammond,

I’m Kevin Bacon and I’d like to introduce you to Six Degrees, a program which makes it easy for you to raise awareness and support for a charity that’s important to you. It is my hope that Six Degrees will soon be a force for good, by bringing a social conscience to social networking. I’d love you to be part of this important effort. Since its launch in late January, we've raised over $325,000. If you haven't participated already, I’d love you to be part of this important effort. If you have participated, I'd like to thank you for helping us get off to such a great start.

You may recognize some of my friends who have already joined me: Kyra Sedgwick, Jessica Simpson, Ashley Judd, Dana Delany, Jane Kaczmarek, Bradley Whitford, Kanye West, Rosie O'Donnell, and Nicole Kidman.

How can you join this powerful network? Take a few moments to make your own Six Degrees AIM Page. We’ve created a special template to make it simple and fast to get started. You can use your AIM Page to tell the world about your special cause, why it’s important to you and raise money for it with the help of the AIM for Good module. Our partnership with Network for Good, which happens to be my charity choice, helps to ensure that any online donations are safe and secure.

Over the years, ‘Six Degrees’ has come to mean that we’re all connected in this world. Through Six Degrees, we can tap the power of social networking to make a real difference for those in need. They are counting on us.

Make sure to check out my AIM Page to keep track of our progress and check out sixdegrees.org to learn more about the entire Six Degrees effort.

Thank you.

Kevin Bacon

"How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold" the new book by Gwen Hammond

Ladies, are you tired of having mediocre sex with your lazy excuse of a boyfriend just so you can get your nails done and your hair did? Longing to get out of your dumpy apartment, but don't know how?

Look no further! "How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold," is the new self-help book by world-renown scarf designer and CEO of the Hammond Corporation, Gwen Hammond.

Gwen invites you to take a closer look at yourself and exactly what it is you want out of life, while learning how to sleep your way to the top of the food chain. Join the ranks of other prestigous upper-crust pussy profit-making women, the likes of Ms. Anna Nicole, Heidi Fleiss, Nancy Reagan and more! With the proper application of Gwen's 5-Point Pussy Charisma Plan you can learn how to climb the rungs of the social ladder by riding them!

• Learn how to identify your pussy as a Natural Resource that can be harvested for profit!
• Learn how to increase the market value of your pussy
• Become an Exotic Dancer!
  
  
• Watch your "pussy-profit" margins grow exponentially
• Learn how to formulate ideas for the creation of additional wealth!

Gwen Hammond utilizes certified data sets compiled by Quick Research Group Inc., to inform women about the ease at which they can reach the heights of true success without breaking a nail for it. Spending thousands of dollars on a University education is not necessary! Recent studies show that successful men are twice as likely to date and/or marry a woman who is not as successful as they are. Yes, that's right: University educated women are too smart. Take preventative measures NOW to keep yourself from falling into this predicament.

There is money waiting for you!!! Don't delay - act NOW! Order Gwen Hammond's "How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold," and save yourself hassle, headache, time and loneliness. This is the only self-help book you will ever need!

Gwen Hammond says:

"...Although I have not utilized this method of success myself, I have perused the pages of Quick Research Group's findings and have determined them to be valid and true. It is my intention to utilize the leadership abilities that God has blessed me with in order to inform and instruct ladies from various walks of life, especially those of the underprivileged social class, so that they might enjoy their time on this earth the way they have always dreamed. I believe it is my God given right and social duty."

"How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold" by Gwen Hammond. Follybottle Press (2006) 216pp.

*Special thanks to Quick Research Group and the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People for their generous contributions to this work. All proceeds will be donated to the St. Moritz Chateau Relief Effort.

Green Line Real Estate: Promotional Video

NAAWP Conference 2006: CALL FOR PAPERS (i.e., SEX OUTSIDE THE CITY!)

As many of you know, our annual meeting is approaching and we have a plethora of issues to iron-out before picking up our globes and re-entering the chaos of the Unwashed.

It is a great task we have, carrying the weight of the world. And it is precisely why I am taking this opportunity to suggest that we not only present to eachother our latest issues, ideas and fiscal concerns, but that we also consider extending the conference by two weeks this year. Our heavy burden requires intensive recuperation and I can think of several ways to maximize our precious time in St. Moritz to ensure that we all get the relaxation we need. (Yes, yes, your lawn bowling and spa treatments will still be available - these things are staples, they will never go away) But, with the intention of making things a bit more interesting, I have invested my own time and energy (via my Hammond Corp employees) into the creation of 2006's premier leisure activity: SEX OUTSIDE THE CITY!

I had a revelation when I visited Thailand over the winter and decided that we, being beacons of culture and upstanding citizens of the world, need to stop profligating our money and extraordinary sexual prowess to the 8-12 yr. old peasant boys and girls of Southeast Asia when we could be giving it to each other, keeping the jewels where they belong. (I know. I believe this has the potential to lead to a sexual revolution among the members of our circle. Just you wait.) Well, we wouldn't be having sex with each other, you see, but we would be leasing out the sexual services of those completely disenfranchised pesky Gnomes who have been trying to tear our society apart with their underhanded terrorist activities. Call it retribution via Privates Trading. It's going to be the hit of the season, trust me.

I don't know about you, but I could sure go for a lively romp with a big-nosed fence-jumping boy who knows how to lift heavy bushels and talk to horses.

Please submit your papers and/or topics for discussion as soon as possible. Thank you!

Gwen Hammond
Co-Chair, NAAWP

*Papers must be written by NAAWP members ONLY.
*All papers are subject to intensive prescreening upon submission.
*NAAWP Chair reserves right to edit or refuse any paper for any reason.

Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

It appears so, folks. Don't be surprised - be jealous.

I'm sure all of you remember when Richard and I made that little archaeological discovery at our construction site last week. (Who couldn't? Call us pompous if you must but we are vanguards of culture acquisition!) Anyway, Quick Research Group has been studying it since that day and just phoned with some of the the results. Brace yourselves for this because you're going to be just as shocked as we were.

First off, the object that was pulled out of the ground ended up being a lidded box (we were ecstatic when we discovered that the lid was secured with only a few nails so, naturally, we pried it open with a crowbar...those things are so utilitarian!). Inside they found what appeared to be the petrified remains of a partially eaten cheeseburger. I know, it's incredible but we have the evidence right here and you're the first to hear about it. Photos are being taken for the AP wire as we speak, and Quick Researchers are performing radiocarbon and thermo-luminescence dating on two small pieces that have been removed for testing. Needless to say, we are all anxiously awaiting their findings.

I hired a local philologist to examine the inscription on the outer wall of the box and - are you ready for this - it says:

SACRED BURGER OF JESUS THE CHRIST
CONSUMED DURING THE LAST SUPPER,
ENTRUSTED TO THE CARE OF THE MORRIST FATHERS,
PROTECTED BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE ORDER OF THE PIGASYS.
IF THOU MESSETH WITH IT, THOU SHALT SUFFER THE RELENTLESS AND ETERNAL SCOURGE OF THE DARK ONE.

My God! Isn't this amazing? I mean, I am floored. Just floored! Wow.

You have to hand it to these Quick Researchers, really. They're an outstanding team of professionals. They understand the true meaning of science and are unafraid of standing up to the biased liberal media when confronted about taking controversial steps in order to get the job done. They deserve the utmost praise. Good job, boys!

(The Poet Laureate of the New Utopia has been notified of the discovery and I've taken the liberty of flying him to Florence with hopes that he will chronicle this for our future generations. We are so excited to host him!)

"Severenzism" (n.) The abdication of one's mind, as evidenced by Dr. Severenz

Dr. Severenz, the foolhardy liberal is at it again. Caught up in undefined and ridiculous arguements, he has now taken his 'disciples' and his agenda to the street. Suits him well. I always thought that he belonged there.

Saturday witnessed a Dr. Severenz-inspired orgy of naked bike-riders, some with painted bodies, others whose faces were masked with bandanas, people in ninja suits (!?!) and, naturally and in keeping with the fundamentals of Severenzism, folks dressed up as turtles. Mmm, yes. Looks like you have real upper-crust darlings on your side, Dr. Severenz. I have yet to witness the strength of their words yield as much as their costumes.

Dr. Severenz, I am having trouble deciding whether reality has served you with an eviction notice or if you have abandoned it in a breech of contract. Enlighten me, please.

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP

Gwen Hammond Receives Suspect Reply From "Smarmy Whole" Manager

Call Me Priscilla Ray: a Love Poem for Eric

I composed the following poem while relaxing in my colonial garden. I want to share it with you all. For I am in love.

"Call Me Priscilla"

In your absence I
try
to make this work
but
the thought of you
in Melos mouthing words
looking upon the skin of
other women
with those eyes
it
just kills me. God...
damn it!
This is preposterous.
I
am in serious need
of
a martini.

Gwen Hammond's Letter to Mr. Ray

My Dearest Eric,

Too many nights have passed since the time I saw you last. What'er is this relationship to become if we cannot find time to communicate once in a while? I miss you so.

Nights and days slip by...the memory of you burns like hot embers in my mind. Though I try, I cannot stop thinking about the way your mouth moved when lip-synching...it was almost as if you were actually...

I understand that you are Foreign, Eric, which means a great many things to me. Most importantly, that you should be mine. Which is why I am building a stage for you in my basement at this very moment. Well, I'm not building it, you see. But it is being taken care of by my own construction crew. The thought of endless nights of glittering streamers, purple lights and fuscia spandex, my God...you drive me crazy. I never knew I could feel like this.

Enclosed you will find a one-way ticket to Rome (where I am). Don't worry about the language barrier, my dear...I have hired a Psychic Interpreter of Foreign Languages who will not only help us communicate, they will also bear our wine and water. Hope you don't mind company :)

Looking forward to seeing you.

Always,
Gwen

Eric Ray, Here is One That Loveth Thee

Over the weekend, I sailed to the Greek Isles with hopes of getting my hands on a good ouzo for a change (I'm growing weary of this vinsanto and biscotti, really, these Italians need to diversify a little). Anyway, after docking the yacht, I found myself wandering around an obscure little neighborhood in search of, well, I didn't know what I was in search of, actually. Something different. A change. A break from the norm. A flash of lightening in the dark of night...Something like...

Eric Ray.

I stumbled upon a quaint cafe/karaoke club called "The Smarmy Whole" and discovered a man sitting hunched-over at the end of the bar, clad in a tight blue leisure suit and holding a cigarette. He glared at me. I don't know how long I stood there, staring at him, but I couldn't move. I wanted to inform him that his attire was extremely dated but, I couldn't. I tried. I was frozen. It felt like forever. I didn't know what to do so, I asked him if he was the bartender. He took a drag from his cigarette, glared at me, put the cigarette out, turned away and walked through a door in the back of the club. My heart sank. Frozen and horrified, I managed to turn toward the exit. Then the music started.

Out of nowhere, the lights dimmed, a disco ball began to turn and a stage with shiny streamers was brilliantly illuminated by purple spotlights from up above, as if by an angel...

I stood, watching, wondering what the hell was going on here.

Then, there he was in all of his glory. My God, I could hardly breathe!

He performed for me, a lip-sync version of an obscure song...I was the only one there, but he performed for me. And I didn't have to order him to. He wasn't on my payroll...wasn't interested in bigger Christmas bonuses or extra vacation time...

The manager burst through the kitchen doors, shut the music off and began screaming at this Divine Creature in front of me. Then I realized that my dear Eric was Greek. Did not speak a word of english. I was incredibly frustrated. These foreign languages are becoming a serious problem in our modern world. Hopefully our efforts at Globalization will soon cure this international social affliction.

So here I am. Back in Rome, dreaming of my dear Eric Ray. Wondering what makes him tick. What is underneath that nylon/polyester cubic zirconium-studded suit? There is something about him. I am admittedly helpless, drawn-in by his product-laden hair and eyeliner, bling rings... my God, just altogether a radically different approach to this life...and he does it with such style!

If I could, I would whisk him away...to Las Vegas...where we would have an impromptu marriage. It doesn't help that Paris is egging me on. I've always dreamed of donning a beehive and white go-go boots this way but...this type of display would not be appropriate for a woman of my standing.

And, my father would kill me. "Whatever happened to that Quick boy?" he always says. "Daddy, you play golf with him nearly every other week. Please stop asking me." Why must our parents always pull at our most vulnerable heart strings?

I have instructed my assistant to contact Mr. Ray on my behalf, in order to present him with an offer that no one in his position could refuse.

I await his reply.