Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon

Kevin Bacon Acknowledges Gwen Hammond as Missing Social Link, Pleads for Her Friendship

2007-03-30T12:43:00.000-05:00

Hi CEO Gwen Hammond,

I’m Kevin Bacon and I’d like to introduce you to Six Degrees, a program which makes it easy for you to raise awareness and support for a charity that’s important to you. It is my hope that Six Degrees will soon be a force for good, by bringing a social conscience to social networking. I’d love you to be part of this important effort. Since its launch in late January, we've raised over $325,000. If you haven't participated already, I’d love you to be part of this important effort. If you have participated, I'd like to thank you for helping us get off to such a great start.

You may recognize some of my friends who have already joined me: Kyra Sedgwick, Jessica Simpson, Ashley Judd, Dana Delany, Jane Kaczmarek, Bradley Whitford, Kanye West, Rosie O'Donnell, and Nicole Kidman.

How can you join this powerful network? Take a few moments to make your own Six Degrees AIM Page. We’ve created a special template to make it simple and fast to get started. You can use your AIM Page to tell the world about your special cause, why it’s important to you and raise money for it with the help of the AIM for Good module. Our partnership with Network for Good, which happens to be my charity choice, helps to ensure that any online donations are safe and secure.

Over the years, ‘Six Degrees’ has come to mean that we’re all connected in this world. Through Six Degrees, we can tap the power of social networking to make a real difference for those in need. They are counting on us.

Make sure to check out my AIM Page to keep track of our progress and check out sixdegrees.org to learn more about the entire Six Degrees effort.

Thank you.

Kevin Bacon

"How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold" the new book by Gwen Hammond

2006-08-15T23:26:00.000-05:00

Ladies, are you tired of having mediocre sex with your lazy excuse of a boyfriend just so you can get your nails done and your hair did? Longing to get out of your dumpy apartment, but don't know how?

Look no further! "How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold," is the new self-help book by world-renown scarf designer and CEO of the Hammond Corporation, Gwen Hammond.

Gwen invites you to take a closer look at yourself and exactly what it is you want out of life, while learning how to sleep your way to the top of the food chain. Join the ranks of other prestigous upper-crust pussy profit-making women, the likes of Ms. Anna Nicole, Heidi Fleiss, Nancy Reagan and more! With the proper application of Gwen's 5-Point Pussy Charisma Plan you can learn how to climb the rungs of the social ladder by riding them!

Learn how to identify your pussy as a Natural Resource that can be harvested for profit!
Learn how to increase the market value of your pussy
Become an Exotic Dancer!
Watch your "pussy-profit" margins grow exponentially
Learn how to formulate ideas for the creation of additional wealth!

Gwen Hammond utilizes certified data sets compiled by Quick Research Group Inc., to inform women about the ease at which they can reach the heights of true success without breaking a nail for it. Spending thousands of dollars on a University education is not necessary! Recent studies show that successful men are twice as likely to date and/or marry a woman who is not as successful as they are. Yes, that's right: University educated women are too smart. Take preventative measures NOW to keep yourself from falling into this predicament.

There is money waiting for you!!! Don't delay - act NOW! Order Gwen Hammond's "How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold," and save yourself hassle, headache, time and loneliness. This is the only self-help book you will ever need!

Gwen Hammond says:

"...Although I have not utilized this method of success myself, I have perused the pages of Quick Research Group's findings and have determined them to be valid and true. It is my intention to utilize the leadership abilities that God has blessed me with in order to inform and instruct ladies from various walks of life, especially those of the underprivileged social class, so that they might enjoy their time on this earth the way they have always dreamed. I believe it is my God given right and social duty."

"How to Turn Your Pussy Into Gold" by Gwen Hammond. Follybottle Press (2006) 216pp.

*Special thanks to Quick Research Group and the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People for their generous contributions to this work. All proceeds will be donated to the St. Moritz Chateau Relief Effort.

Green Line Real Estate: Promotional Video

2006-08-10T13:22:00.000-05:00

NAAWP Conference 2006: CALL FOR PAPERS (i.e., SEX OUTSIDE THE CITY!)

2006-08-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, our annual meeting is approaching and we have a plethora of issues to iron-out before picking up our globes and re-entering the chaos of the Unwashed.

It is a great task we have, carrying the weight of the world. And it is precisely why I am taking this opportunity to suggest that we not only present to eachother our latest issues, ideas and fiscal concerns, but that we also consider extending the conference by two weeks this year. Our heavy burden requires intensive recuperation and I can think of several ways to maximize our precious time in St. Moritz to ensure that we all get the relaxation we need. (Yes, yes, your lawn bowling and spa treatments will still be available - these things are staples, they will never go away) But, with the intention of making things a bit more interesting, I have invested my own time and energy (via my Hammond Corp employees) into the creation of 2006's premier leisure activity: SEX OUTSIDE THE CITY!

I had a revelation when I visited Thailand over the winter and decided that we, being beacons of culture and upstanding citizens of the world, need to stop profligating our money and extraordinary sexual prowess to the 8-12 yr. old peasant boys and girls of Southeast Asia when we could be giving it to each other, keeping the jewels where they belong. (I know. I believe this has the potential to lead to a sexual revolution among the members of our circle. Just you wait.) Well, we wouldn't be having sex with each other, you see, but we would be leasing out the sexual services of those completely disenfranchised pesky Gnomes who have been trying to tear our society apart with their underhanded terrorist activities. Call it retribution via Privates Trading. It's going to be the hit of the season, trust me.

I don't know about you, but I could sure go for a lively romp with a big-nosed fence-jumping boy who knows how to lift heavy bushels and talk to horses.

Please submit your papers and/or topics for discussion as soon as possible. Thank you!

Gwen Hammond
Co-Chair, NAAWP

*Papers must be written by NAAWP members ONLY.
*All papers are subject to intensive prescreening upon submission.
*NAAWP Chair reserves right to edit or refuse any paper for any reason.

Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

2006-07-29T20:01:00.000-05:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Owners of Green Line Real Estate Discover Ancient Reliquary at Construction Site in Vatican City

It appears so, folks. Don't be surprised - be jealous.

I'm sure all of you remember when Richard and I made that little archaeological discovery at our construction site last week. (Who couldn't? Call us pompous if you must but we are vanguards of culture acquisition!) Anyway, Quick Research Group has been studying it since that day and just phoned with some of the the results. Brace yourselves for this because you're going to be just as shocked as we were.

First off, the object that was pulled out of the ground ended up being a lidded box (we were ecstatic when we discovered that the lid was secured with only a few nails so, naturally, we pried it open with a crowbar...those things are so utilitarian!). Inside they found what appeared to be the petrified remains of a partially eaten cheeseburger. I know, it's incredible but we have the evidence right here and you're the first to hear about it. Photos are being taken for the AP wire as we speak, and Quick Researchers are performing radiocarbon and thermo-luminescence dating on two small pieces that have been removed for testing. Needless to say, we are all anxiously awaiting their findings.

I hired a local philologist to examine the inscription on the outer wall of the box and - are you ready for this - it says:

SACRED BURGER OF JESUS THE CHRIST
CONSUMED DURING THE LAST SUPPER,
ENTRUSTED TO THE CARE OF THE MORRIST FATHERS,
PROTECTED BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE ORDER OF THE PIGASYS.
IF THOU MESSETH WITH IT, THOU SHALT SUFFER THE RELENTLESS AND ETERNAL SCOURGE OF THE DARK ONE.

My God! Isn't this amazing? I mean, I am floored. Just floored! Wow.

You have to hand it to these Quick Researchers, really. They're an outstanding team of professionals. They understand the true meaning of science and are unafraid of standing up to the biased liberal media when confronted about taking controversial steps in order to get the job done. They deserve the utmost praise. Good job, boys!

(The Poet Laureate of the New Utopia has been notified of the discovery and I've taken the liberty of flying him to Florence with hopes that he will chronicle this for our future generations. We are so excited to host him!)

"Severenzism" (n.) The abdication of one's mind, as evidenced by Dr. Severenz

2006-07-25T23:16:00.000-05:00

Dr. Severenz, the foolhardy liberal is at it again. Caught up in undefined and ridiculous arguements, he has now taken his 'disciples' and his agenda to the street. Suits him well. I always thought that he belonged there.

Saturday witnessed a Dr. Severenz-inspired orgy of naked bike-riders, some with painted bodies, others whose faces were masked with bandanas, people in ninja suits (!?!) and, naturally and in keeping with the fundamentals of Severenzism, folks dressed up as turtles. Mmm, yes. Looks like you have real upper-crust darlings on your side, Dr. Severenz. I have yet to witness the strength of their words yield as much as their costumes.

Dr. Severenz, I am having trouble deciding whether reality has served you with an eviction notice or if you have abandoned it in a breech of contract. Enlighten me, please.

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP

Gwen Hammond Receives Suspect Reply From "Smarmy Whole" Manager

2006-07-25T21:22:00.000-05:00

Call Me Priscilla Ray: a Love Poem for Eric

2006-07-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I composed the following poem while relaxing in my colonial garden. I want to share it with you all. For I am in love.

"Call Me Priscilla"

In your absence I
try
to make this work
but
the thought of you
in Melos mouthing words
looking upon the skin of
other women
with those eyes
it
just kills me. God...
damn it!
This is preposterous.
I
am in serious need
of
a martini.

Gwen Hammond's Letter to Mr. Ray

2006-07-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Eric,

Too many nights have passed since the time I saw you last. What'er is this relationship to become if we cannot find time to communicate once in a while? I miss you so.

Nights and days slip by...the memory of you burns like hot embers in my mind. Though I try, I cannot stop thinking about the way your mouth moved when lip-synching...it was almost as if you were actually...

I understand that you are Foreign, Eric, which means a great many things to me. Most importantly, that you should be mine. Which is why I am building a stage for you in my basement at this very moment. Well, I'm not building it, you see. But it is being taken care of by my own construction crew. The thought of endless nights of glittering streamers, purple lights and fuscia spandex, my God...you drive me crazy. I never knew I could feel like this.

Enclosed you will find a one-way ticket to Rome (where I am). Don't worry about the language barrier, my dear...I have hired a Psychic Interpreter of Foreign Languages who will not only help us communicate, they will also bear our wine and water. Hope you don't mind company :)

Looking forward to seeing you.

Always,
Gwen

Eric Ray, Here is One That Loveth Thee

2006-07-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I sailed to the Greek Isles with hopes of getting my hands on a good ouzo for a change (I'm growing weary of this vinsanto and biscotti, really, these Italians need to diversify a little). Anyway, after docking the yacht, I found myself wandering around an obscure little neighborhood in search of, well, I didn't know what I was in search of, actually. Something different. A change. A break from the norm. A flash of lightening in the dark of night...Something like...

Eric Ray.

I stumbled upon a quaint cafe/karaoke club called "The Smarmy Whole" and discovered a man sitting hunched-over at the end of the bar, clad in a tight blue leisure suit and holding a cigarette. He glared at me. I don't know how long I stood there, staring at him, but I couldn't move. I wanted to inform him that his attire was extremely dated but, I couldn't. I tried. I was frozen. It felt like forever. I didn't know what to do so, I asked him if he was the bartender. He took a drag from his cigarette, glared at me, put the cigarette out, turned away and walked through a door in the back of the club. My heart sank. Frozen and horrified, I managed to turn toward the exit. Then the music started.

Out of nowhere, the lights dimmed, a disco ball began to turn and a stage with shiny streamers was brilliantly illuminated by purple spotlights from up above, as if by an angel...

I stood, watching, wondering what the hell was going on here.

Then, there he was in all of his glory. My God, I could hardly breathe!

He performed for me, a lip-sync version of an obscure song...I was the only one there, but he performed for me. And I didn't have to order him to. He wasn't on my payroll...wasn't interested in bigger Christmas bonuses or extra vacation time...

The manager burst through the kitchen doors, shut the music off and began screaming at this Divine Creature in front of me. Then I realized that my dear Eric was Greek. Did not speak a word of english. I was incredibly frustrated. These foreign languages are becoming a serious problem in our modern world. Hopefully our efforts at Globalization will soon cure this international social affliction.

So here I am. Back in Rome, dreaming of my dear Eric Ray. Wondering what makes him tick. What is underneath that nylon/polyester cubic zirconium-studded suit? There is something about him. I am admittedly helpless, drawn-in by his product-laden hair and eyeliner, bling rings... my God, just altogether a radically different approach to this life...and he does it with such style!

If I could, I would whisk him away...to Las Vegas...where we would have an impromptu marriage. It doesn't help that Paris is egging me on. I've always dreamed of donning a beehive and white go-go boots this way but...this type of display would not be appropriate for a woman of my standing.

And, my father would kill me. "Whatever happened to that Quick boy?" he always says. "Daddy, you play golf with him nearly every other week. Please stop asking me." Why must our parents always pull at our most vulnerable heart strings?

I have instructed my assistant to contact Mr. Ray on my behalf, in order to present him with an offer that no one in his position could refuse.

I await his reply.

Green Line - IBI Urban Overhaul Unexpectedly Halted by Surprising Archaeological Discovery in Vatican City

2006-07-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, while Green Line's construction crews were digging, Richard and I watched from above as three of our executive engineers happened upon a small rectangular object (roughly the size of a jewelry box) that appeared to be carved, exhibiting various shallow incisions on each side. One of the men held it up above his head, looked at us, and began weeping in a dramatic and unmasculine fashion. Richard gave me a quick glance and had him fired immediately.

Several moments passed. While we watched the police drag the man out of the deep pit, I decided it was time to get my heels dirty. So I took them off and had four crew members carry me down into the trench. On the way, I said "...Next time, fetch my litter or I'll sic the dog of Hades on your children!" I could tell they were choking back laughs. Nevertheless, I haven't had that many men's hands on me since the gala in St. Moritz. It was great.

Upon reaching the bottom of the pit, one of the three remaining engineers slowly handed the object to me while bowing his head in admiration (he'll be getting a large Christmas bonus this year). As I inspected it, I noticed that it had an inscription - in Greek. "Figures," I thought, "it's so rare that these things are ever written in English." I motioned to Richard to call our Interpreter of Dead Foreign Languages immediately.

While waiting for Rosaria to arrive, I had Giovanni hold the box under a faucet with hot running water, in order to remove the dirt and encrustations from the surface. He protested at first, but I promised a substantial increase in overtime availability if he wanted it. With reluctance, he nodded and did what I asked. Rosaria showed up moments later and gasped when she saw Giovanni doing what I had told him to do, for reasons that will forever remain a mystery to me because I cannot understand two people who are waving their hands about and loudly bickering in Italian. I began to get a headache, so I fired them both, took the box and met Richard in the Ferrari.

Over an espresso, we decided to hire a team of specialists to come in and investigate our construction zone. The law firm of Quick, Duhk & Hyde informed us that there are international laws that cannot be breached in situations such as these, so we must employ objective scientists to do the job. Unfortunately, Green Line's IBI will have to wait until they figure out what the hell we have on our hands here. In the meantime, Hammond Corp is hiring the newly formed Quick Cultural Management team to perform the services necessary for us to continue with our Urban Overhaul.

Undeterred,

Gwen Hammond
Partner, Green Line Real Estate Co.
CEO, Hammond Corp.

Hammond Corp. to Raise Extremely Rare White-headed and Laysan Ducks

2006-07-15T01:00:00.000-05:00

Friends, and fellow foie gras aficionados who happen to live in the Chicago area, it gives me great pleasure to announce the Hammond Corporation's recent acquisition of an extensive plot of land and 2,000 endangered ducks.

In response to Chicago's ban, I have decisively taken action against these Vegenazis by illustrating just how easy it is to slight them. Veganista Terrorist activities harm the good people of our society and Chicago's latest decision to ban foie gras is nothing less than a slap in the face.

Fear not. Hammond Corp has decisively taken action against these vile liberals and their absurd agenda. I have secured the purchase of 1,000 extremely rare White-headed ducks and 1,000 relict Laysan ducks for the production of foie gras, the likes of which the world has never seen...or tasted. The White-headed ducks are being shipped at this very moment (so exciting!) all the way from the brackish marshes of Lake Ismarida, Greece. With a total world population at only 15,000 these darlings should taste magnificent! The Laysan ducks are only a stone's throw away...right in our very own Pacific Islands. With these two exotic choices, you can't go wrong.

Don't believe the hype!!! Ignore those VT's and their liberal agenda. Here is what one intelligent consumer had to say:
“It does bother me the way it’s raised, but then my grandfather raised cattle in Kansas, so I’m very aware of what farm life is like,” said Pati Heestand, a retired graphic designer and foie gras aficionado.

Hammond Corp is committed to the preservation of luxury and acquired tastes world-wide. Interested buyers: please email.

Gwen Hammond
CEO, Hammond Corp.

Behold, the Hand of Magnanimity: Green Line Real Estate's SPECIAL OFFER II

2006-07-14T07:35:00.000-05:00

In response to many of the emails we've received from individuals voicing their concerns over the safety of their Green Line property purchases, I'd like to take this opportunity to demonstrate our willingness to sympathize with our loyal patrons by presenting yet another special offer from Green Line Real Estate.

War time real estate speculation is a tricky business, certainly not for the faint of heart. Because many of our properties are in Buffer Zones and politically tense areas, we have agreed that offering some kind investment protection plan to you is only proper and actually works to our benefit.

Green Line Real Estate is now offering a brand new property insurance package that we have been passionately referring to as the Owner’s Investment Protection Plan (OIPP), an all-inclusive insurance package that will allow you to sleep relatively peacefully with the knowledge and assurance that you and yours will have an explosively bright future.

Life is full of surprises that, in some cases, might sneak up behind you like a daisy cutter and take out your entire family. Green Line Real Estate understands that watching your wife and two small children burn in a firestorm that has engulfed your home is something that nobody wants to do, and that is why we are extending our hand of magnanimity. Starting today, you can purchase the GLRE-OIPP to insure your home, your land, all of your financial assets, your life, and the lives of your family members.

The GLRE-OIPP is offered to all new Green Line Real Estate renters and buyers, as well as those who have signed a GLRE Work-to-Own Program contract. 4H entrepreneurs have been instructed to contact our office.

Details to be released within the week.

GH

Lebanon Special Offer from Green Line Real Estate

2006-07-14T02:39:00.000-05:00

The bombs they are a flyin' - and you know what that means: the homes we are a sellin'! These beautiful homes are going fast, folks. Don't miss this one of a kind opportunity to bring your dreams into reality!

Sure, Beirut is being bombed right now, but you can rest easy because Green Line Real Estate has already been given the inside scoop on detailed economic forecast models that were recently conducted by our privately funded researchers. We anticipate selling quite a few homes in the area of Beirut proper.

But for now, we are offering you a special deal on this 2-story multi family chateau that is rendition ready! (See above) This beautiful property is located just outside of Beirut in a charming suburb that offers top notch protection better than any gated community. Our special security feature: manned watch towers. You can rest in peace knowing that Green Line's UN peacekeeping force surrounds your beautiful home 24-7. This outstanding and extraordinary property can be yours with little to no effort!

Don't forget to sign up for these amazing programs:

Start a Friendly Fire Fast Funds (4H) Franchise! Repatriate those American funds quickly! GET RICH QUICK: Start a Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!

Take advantage of our 4H Accelerated Sympathy Service (ASS) and receive a Sympathy Anticipation Check* (SAC) Â a loan based on your anticipated refund amount and life expectancy. Up to $9,999!

Sign our new 'GLRE Work-to-Own Program' Contract today! Don't miss out! Own your own home by participating in our simple and incredibly easy No Money Down program!

Any questions or concern you might have are welcome. Green Line Real Estate is a Quick & Hammond company that is not affiliated with other international Real Estate firms or their representatives.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Gwen Hammond Announces Details of Secretive Urban Development Program in Vatican City

2006-07-09T15:29:00.000-05:00

Last week, CEO Gwen Hammond met with Vatican City Officials to discuss plans for a massive urban engineering overhaul in the tiny European mini-state whose primary ATM language is Latin. It is said that the enlisted services of an Interpreter of Dead Foreign Languages proved to be especially helpful to Ms. Hammond when speaking at great length with Benny and his men. Hammond stated that the Green Line International Business Initiative has been given legal permission by Vatican City Officials to go ahead with their massive Urban Development Overhaul (UDO), regarded as one of the most extraordinary engineering feats of the twenty-first century. She recently gave this statement outside of St. Peter’s:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today… not as a foreigner, but as one of your very own. Take care to notice that I have been outfitted in all-black Versace chiffon and Milanese stilettos as well as Dolce & Gabana sunglasses. Can you see the logo from that far away? I assure you, it is there. I sincerely hope, with all of my cold and calculating heart, that you welcome my words and intent with thoroughly washed open arms.

The new Green Line International Business Initiative has been designed so that we (meaning you, the people, and perhaps a few Romanians) can together take part in one of the most exciting urban development projects of our time. Green Line’s International Business Initiative is unrivaled and groundbreaking, a desert oasis for the weary and downtrodden who wallow in the septic tank of low social rank, wishing to fulfill dreams and stuff pocketbooks with the sweet dew of the universe.

The Green Line’s IBI-UDO seeks to boost the local economy by modernizing the ancient city’s plumbing system, an intricate network of pipes that will be cleverly diverted from the Vatican and re-routed to a secret and undisclosed location in the city of Naples, It. I have assembled a team of the best engineers that money can buy: QuickCo Construction, Survey, and Equip. as well as Quick Research Group’s scientists and general engineers. The waste from the toilets within the Vatican will be automatically channeled to a supremely designed smart filtration system that my team has been affectionately referring to as 'The Immaculate Contraption' which will intelligently sort liquids and solids, separating and storing them in their respective places for future use.

This is a massive and unprecedented undertaking that will require enormous effort on your part and will no doubt be rewarded with a flourishing economic…situation. All I am asking from you, my people, is blind and unquestioning faith – trust in the Green Line International Business Initiative. Your efforts will prove to be highly beneficial for you and your descendants. We are here to help you realize your western destiny and to fulfill the wishes of your forefathers whose ruins still nobly stand as a testament of Moral Self-Interest.

We are really looking forward to watching your economy boom. Construction will begin tomorrow. Thank you for your time."

HAMMOND EGGS: Human Caviar by Gwen Hammond

2006-07-09T10:07:00.000-05:00

You will love them in a box
They are as saucy as a fox
To be had in the house
With pate of mouse
You'll love them here as you'll love them there
You will love them anywhere
You will love these Hammond Eggs
You will love them. You will.

As is So Often the Case, I Have Recently Been Persuaded to Change My Mind

2006-07-08T01:33:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your kindness and support regarding the sale of my luxury super yacht. I've perused all of your emails and have found them wholly encouraging - it's so good to know that our community is one of solidarity and refined taste! I thought that the fourth of July was going to be my last romp with lovely Gordon (I rented some negroes to grill some Frozen Flagship Patties - it was great!) but, as you will see below, the situation has changed.

Recently, I received a letter from a man who is allegedly the Honorary VP of the Yacht Club de Monaco. While I was glad to read his email and overjoyed to meet another millionaire, I must admit, I do not recall ever encountering him while in Monaco nor at any of the soirees that I have held in honor of other YCM Charter Members. His email reads:

Dear Gwen Hammond (Hammond Corp. CEO),

On behalf of the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco I wish enquire to your recent post.

Whenever I happen upon the sale of a gorgeous vessel such as yours, I am often taken aback. As President of the Yacht Club de Monaco it confounds me when an elegant and lovely yacht such as your, quite immistakeably custom built Nigel Burgess , (I have 3 myself) is subordinated to "this thing"! The craftmanship can only be likened to that of my Swiss made Breitling Navitimer Montbrillant timepiece, and the very sight of a Burgess is no doubt the sweetest candy to my cultured eye.

Alas my friend, it pains me to see a boat such as yours be sold. Therefore, the Principality of Monaco, and the Yacht Club de Monaco wish to invite you and your Burgess for a weekend to try to change your mind, and perhaps "bienvenue" you as a new member of our Club. Normally there is a lenghty waiting period in which potential members must "court" two current associés of our Club to gain entry, then are reviewed by my own board of Capitaines de Vaisseau du Monaco. Of course you would be able to sidestep this queue. Your yacht would be a wonderful addition to our docks.

And "what is in it for Hammond Corporation?", I can already anticipate you asking. My lady, just two simple words. The Parties. I have attached photos of a recent induction ceremony/party we had which starred a host of Hollywood actors, CEOs and longtime benefactors. They often stop by unannounced. Donations from our last gathering alone will probably provide enough 1967 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild to last us until August, or until the Trophee Grimaldi, an exciting regatta around the Balearics in which my fellow armateur Giovanni Broggi and his magnificent 'Capria II' won by just a few lengths last year. Often our celebrations and feastings go long into the night and do not end until the police show up (often they stay - I hope this is not a problem). So why would anyone not want to have fun with the best Club on the Cote d'Azur? At the very least it would be a place for you to take your favorite clients.

Please bring in your trunk a white or navy blue blazer (sans silver/gold buttons as they are reserved for stewards), along with a white skirt for the daytime and a white dress for evening wear, as per our dress code from 1 May - 30 September (I will supply the proper Y.C.M. insignia if necessary).

Faithfully,
E.M. Faulerhaus
Honorary VP, YCM

Mr. Faulerhaus, as much as I appreciate your offer and willingness to entertain me, I am shocked that you do not know who I am nor do you know that I am already a member of your club. While I shall refrain from calling into question the validity of your credentials, I do feel compelled to inform you that I have spent many a night watching the French police sadistically handcuff YCM stewards for kicks (really a treat! I often order mine to 'tie one on' with one of my extremely durable and gorgeous HAMMOND Scarves, but that is neither here nor there). Ask your predecessor about me, I'm certain that he will remember my famous bottle tricks.

But back to my boat, it is indeed a Nigel Burgess, and it is fine. It has treated me well over the duration of our passionate three month relationship but, as you can see, the media has recognized it and now follow me everywhere. They are enrelenting. Do you know what it feels like to be persued constantly, no matter where you go? Do you know how much of a bother it is, ordering a crew of naked young men to run to their quarters every damn half-an-hour, because you hear the sound of helicopter blades or the motors of racing boats? It is stressful, dealing with these television crews. If it were not for my custom installed triple-down mattress, I probably would have a hard time sleeping at night.

Though I intend to sell it, perhaps I will make an exception. I shall wait until after I attend one of your parties.

Gwen Hammond
Charter Member, YCM
Founder, CGLG

Luxury Super Yacht For Sale

2006-07-04T00:55:00.000-05:00

I've got to get rid of this thing. It's drivin me crazy.

Email if interested.

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE Offers New 'GLRE Work-to-Own Program'

2006-07-03T06:03:00.000-05:00

On a recent trip to Al-Mansur, Iraq, RQ and I took note of the amazing number of people who stood for hours in long lines waiting to collect their check from the US Gov., claiming a vast array of injuries, loss of wives, children, homes, et cetera. You wouldn't believe how many people were there!?! They really know how to put on a good show. Their 'injuries' and cries rivaled some of the best actors I know. Apparently the US Gov. is offering these folks something called "Sympathy Payments," and it seems that everyone wants to collect. It was obvious to both of us that these people are clearly developing the Millionaire Mindset.

RQ and I were inspired and decided to seize the moment by transforming it into an extremely lucrative financial opportunity. Why sit back and watch all of these foreigners get away with thousands of dollars, sometimes on a daily basis? YOU can do it too! For the small price of a one-way plane ticket, you can find yourself in one of the most beautiful places in the world, surrounded by palm trees, gorgeous people, and great food! Join the ranks of people with an incredibly high income potential by taking advantage of the GLRE Work-to-Own Program today!

How does the GLRE Work-to-Own Program operate? It's simple, easy, and flexible. All you have to do is have the motivation to get the job done. The beautiful Green Line home/land that you've had your eye on can be yours with little to no effort! All you have to do is don some dirty clothes, fake some injuries, lie about some deaths... It's incredibly easy! If you have the Millionaire Mindset and a GLRE Work-to-Own make-up kit, you will make thousands of dollars just by standing in line once a day, every week! The money that you collect is direct-deposited into a special Green Line account and will be automatically applied to the purchase of your own home or plot of land. It doesn't get any easier than this!

By following the GLRE Work-to-Own Program's simple steps, you could potentially receive up to:
$6,000 for your 'accidentally bombed' house! (We shall provide a complete list of fake addresses for you to use)
$2,500 for EACH dead family member!
$1,000 for EACH injury!

You see, it is incredibly easy. Green Line Real Estate is waiting for YOU!

Hammond Corp. CEO Meets With Vatican Officials to Discuss Massive Urban Engineering Overhaul

2006-07-02T09:18:00.000-05:00

Today, CEO Gwen Hammond arrived in Vatican City to discuss a massive urban engineering project that remains cloaked in mystery.

Amid a throng of onlookers, Hammond left St. Peter's in what seemed like a hurry, but one reporter managed to ask about the details of the engineering project and received what some might consider a cool reply: "It's great. Let it suffice to say that this economy is going to boom because of me. Thank your lucky stars!"

In a public statement, Hammond said that the project's details and the results of today's discussions will be be disclosed as soon as possible. "We have a lot to think about right now...what we are attempting to accomplish is something that has never been done before...I can assure you that everyone is as excited as I am about this...please stay tuned."

'HAMMOND EGGS' Human Caviar - Now Available

2006-06-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to beluga! Say adieu to foie gras! HAMMOND EGGS are here!

As the quality of wild caviar declines and prices increase, chefs around the globe are making the switch to human caviar, bypassing both aquaculture entrepreneurs and international smugglers alike. The Hammond Corporation and its affiliates are spearheading a new retail trend that is designed to bombard psyches and palettes world-wide!

"This is an exclusive delicacy that everyone has been bugging me about for years and I am proud to say that the plan has finally come to fruition! As it will obviously be sold in extremely limited supply, there will be no fixed price, but I welcome the offers of millionaires and billionaires around the globe."

Gwen Hammond
CEO, Hammond Corp.

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO., A Quick & Hammond Enterprise

2006-06-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

As thousands, if not millions, of refugees flee their homelands for greener pastures around the globe, there are countless pieces of top-notch property being left to the crows - and for good reason. There are billions of dollars to be made! Do you know how much untapped land is just sitting out there, in politically tense areas and recently war-ravaged nations, waiting for you and yours to transform it into the home that you've always dreamed of owning?

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. is ready and willing to help change your life. We offer expert advice on international land law and acquisition, ex-pat rights, foreign investments, and personal high-tech security options. Worried that you're not going to be able to get around those pesky indigenous folks who want their homes back? Don't! There's no problem when you enlist the services of GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. Land that was once owned by indigenous shepherds and their poor families is just waiting for YOU! No worries - those indigenous folks won't be back. In places like Northern Cyprus, Lebanon, and Iraq, the EU is allowing anyone but the original owners to purchase it! That's right. Family dowries, inheritances, et cetera...all out the window! Dust in the wind. This land is ripe for the picking, ready to be cultivated and/or paved-over! Who better to do it with than GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO? The time is NOW!

We offer state of the art protection and security better than any gated community:
- concrete walls
- barbed wire fencing
- watch-towers (manned 24-7)
- anti-tank ditches
- and, best of all - minefields.

Just imagine yourself there! Get Rich Quick!: MultiFamily Chateau: Rendition Ready!

GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO. is a Quick & Hammond Enterprise. (Not affiliated with other international property firms or their representatives)

On Billionaires Who Fail Us: Warren Buffet

2006-06-27T11:04:00.000-05:00

Warren, let me begin by saying: What in God’s name are you thinking??? $37 billion dollars and you’re first thought is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Most of the health and education issues in the world’s poorest countries are already being addressed by a plethora of other groups. For the love of God, you know how much the St. Moritz Chateau Relief Charity is struggling right now. Our maids are pratically wearing polyester, our chef is still using the same menu that we used last month, I mean, we are in a state of near-disrepair. When we spoke last, you told me that I would be the first you would call…so why am I here, reading about you in Fortune…shacked-up in Rome’s Excalibur, when I could be administering aid and support to the cause that you so valiantly helped me to design? I am vexed. Your superfluous spending makes me wonder, Warrie: did you become a billionaire for the right reasons? You are reminding me of our old friend, Dr. Severenz, who has joined the unwashed and committed himself to philosophizing with nutjob democrats and spiritualists…

You believe in “giving something back to society,” do you? My God, Warrie!?! Whatever happened to giving back to High Society? What has become of the cold and calculating man whom I once loved and respected? I just don’t know. This will go down as a dark day in the NAAWP. I’m sorry, but we shall be canceling your membership.

Oh, and by the way – the New York Times has commented on the irony that you (the world’s second wealthiest man) are giving 85% of your fortune to Bill (the world’s first wealthiest man). They seem to have forgotten Richard. Why is everyone so hot about the Colbert cover-up when they should be wondering why one of the biggest newspapers in the country is hushing-up one of the most important facts of our generation: that Richard Quick, Esq. is the world’s wealthiest man – uncontested?

Gwen Hammond
Co-Chair, National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People

Hammond CHURCH PROXIES: Faith on your Behalf!

2006-06-25T02:23:00.000-05:00

Are you an ultra-modern professional who's too exhausted after drinking your corporate woes away on Saturday night to go to church on Sunday morning? Tired of saying that you 'believe' but not doing anything about it?

Hammond Corporation is offering you an exclusive chance to put some action behind those words!

Buy a Hammond Church Proxy today and say goodbye to guilt! That's right. You'll never have to sit in church again because Hammond Church Proxies will sit there for you! Become part of a tradition dating back thousands of years! Impress your friends, family, and whomever that person in your bed is!

WHY purchase a Hammond Church Proxy?
- They sit there!
- They pray for you!
- They never leave!

They offer levels of religious devotion that will make your grandparents feel guilty!!!

Lessen your chances of ending up in the pit of eternal Hellfire today by purchasing one now. (Order today and get 10% off personal inscriptions) They make great gifts. Sell them at your next Hammond Home Party!

No-Bid Contract Awarded to QuickCo. for the Construction of Muscatel Midway

2006-06-23T06:10:00.000-05:00

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. happens to be the first to purchase a Hammond 'HOBOTRON' for use on the Quick Estate's lower veranda. Because of this, and the fact that Richard has proven his genetic millionaire superiority time and time again, I'd like to formally announce that the QuickCo. construction firm has been awarded the prestigious no-bid contract for the construction of Muscatel Midway Theme Park!

I sent a team of my employess to the Quick estate this morning with two truckloads of Frozen Flagship Patties as a token of my appreciation...(I hope the preparred bathtub with floating candles and antique Federal Reserve Notes wasn't too much...)

Muscatel Midway will feature, among other things, a HOBOTRON, shopping cart bumper rides, fried rat-on-a-stick concessions, Piss-N-Shoot target games, a Back-O-the-Bus ride, and an extravagent 'It's Midnight in tha Hood: Do You Know Where Your Crack Dealer Is?' Hammond Haunted House, complete with live junkies, muggings, and a Bling Shop where you can stop for all of your 12-karat and cubic zirconium needs!

Looking forward to our next NAAWP soiree... This is going to be great!

Hammond Corp to Release New Line of Theme Park Rides

2006-06-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Are you a millionaire who’s tired of leading a double life?

Sick of that nagging curiosity about what it feels like to be completely down-and-out?

Tired of people telling you that you don’t understand the other side?

Worry not, friends. Hammond Corporation has recently developed a groundbreaking new device that will put you in touch with the plight of those on the absolute lowest level of the social hierarchy!

Free yourself from the hardships and worries common to people in your social position by taking a ride on the All New HOBOTRON!!! Get a rush of complete degeneracy and utter indigence in the privacy of your own home!

Looking at the ad, you might ask yourself: “What the hell does it do?” This is an important question. You will notice that the device is completely vertical. It will give you exhilarating jolts of up-and-downs, coloring your life (and your pants) with euphoria! Experience the dizzying rush of never knowing which way to turn... Quick... duck the creditor... dodge your ex... terrifying brushes with your AA sponsor, parole officer, welfare case worker, teens with gasoline... not to mention the topsy turvey world of mental illness, when there's no dough for therapy, meds, scotch...

Buy a machine today and sell rides to your friends, neighbors, dogs, and countrymen!

“It’s like tiramisu, with skid marks.” – Hammond Corp. employee

Hammond Corp. Announces New FLAGSHIP BURGERS, Calls Endangered Bengal Tigers "Quadripedal Bags-O-Cash"

2006-06-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

After only hours of announcing the Hammond Corporation's decisive move to raise one dozen endangered Bengal tigers at its headquarters in Brazil, CEO Gwen Hammond released a press statement detailing the Hammond Corp.'s abrupt and unexpected change of plans.

"An extremely small human part of me had a bit of curiosity regarding the future of Bengal tigers... I kind of wanted to know what it feels like to do something good for the world so, I figured, 'hey - what's 20 tons of pens and pencils?' But I'll be honest with you, after drinking cosmos all night on my yacht, I have decided to forgo my former plan in favor of a more financially proactive approach to these rare flagship animals. From this point forward, the Hammond Corporation will be dealing with these tigers as 'utilitarian' resources. Not only can every single part of their bodies can be used for an untold number of things, but certain parts actually have magical properties! These babies are quadripedal bags-o-cash!"

The Hammond Corporation's first step toward world domination and complete control of the global food market will be to go ahead with the manufacturing and mass-distribution of their new line of freezer foods.

Their first product will be: GWEN HAMMOND'S FROZEN FLAGSHIP PATTIES (aka: 'Hammies')

Production will begin this week. Check back for purchase info.

NEW: Hammond Corporation to Raise ENDANGERED SPECIES for Profit

2006-06-20T15:17:00.000-05:00

This week, the Hammond Corporation solidified plans with rural Nepalese tribal elders re: the trade of 20 tons of "Jesus Saves! Beacon of Lite Non-Denominational Church Camp" pens and pencils in exchange for one dozen Bengal tigers! A great addition to the Hammond Corp.'s manatee collection!

The tigers are reported to already have been smuggled out of the country and transported to a remote Brazilian village where CEO Gwen Hammond's expert team of guest workers will feed and teach the animals. Upon reaching the appropriate age, the tigers will then be sold to Zoos around the world for an unspecified amount of money.

Hammond Corp. prides itself on its ability to secure the purchase of endangered animals around the globe. Such animals would otherwise not be valued the way that Hammond Corp. values them: as natural resources, and hillarious entertainment. Our flagship animals do nothing less than impress the best!

Gwen Hammond says:

"...for the love of God. Don't you people have anything better to do?"

NEW! Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond!

2006-06-17T17:56:00.000-05:00

At the request of many of her friends and compatriots, Gwen has successfully completed the prototype of the brand new Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES. After months of intense scientific scrutiny, it has been determined that Gwen Hammond's Autoerotic Asphyxia Line of HAMMOND SCARVES is the most durable, versatile, and attractive line of scarves on the international market.

Perfect for bedposts and ceiling fans!

The Hammond Corp. would like to give special thanks to Quick Research Group and the employees in the Guangdong Shin Province of the People's Republic of China for all of their effort at making this dream a reality for us!

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

2006-06-16T10:59:00.000-05:00

Gwen Hammond's team of fibers specialists in the Shaanxi Guangdong Province have been hard at work this month! This is the latest Hammond design made just for you.

Order one today and get a FREE 'I Helped Save the Chateau' bumper sticker!!!

Don't delay! Act NOW! These babies are flying fast!

US vs. THEM: Why WE Will Always Win

2006-06-12T02:44:00.000-05:00

Scientists have recently made a breakthrough discovery with regards to genetics that, frankly, not only adds weight to my argument of millionaire Superiority - it proves it.

Genetic factors are directly responsible for one's ability to climb the rungs of the social ladder. I can't tell you how many times I've discussed this at my poolside with my employees, often facing opposition. I always stuck to my guns. And, I'm sorry, but I have to laugh now because, I told you so. Not only is there empirical evidence to support my argument, but it proves that my propensity for rightness is due to my advantageous genetic composition.

The ability to create thousands of jobs in China while making billions of dollars in the process is not something that just anyone can do. The real power rests in the sacred genetic makeup of a select few individuals on this planet, and I am proud to be one of them.

http://news.netdoctor.co.uk/news_detail.php?id=17134569&date=06/06/2006

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

2006-06-12T01:31:00.000-05:00

This is the most recent design of Hammond Scarves, made exclusively for you by Gwen Hammond and her fabulous team of fibers specialists from the People’s Republic of China. They're pumping out a whopping 35,000 per day in the Guangxi Zhuang Province so there can be no shortage of patriotism on your part!

All proceeds will be put toward the St. Moritz Relief Effort. Order yours today!

On the Morality of Rational Self-Interest

2006-06-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

It's unlikely that this defense will win me many friends or even garner much attention. However, writing it is the only way I know to act as a positive role model for younger Millionaires.

Perhaps before going on, I should describe Dr Phillip Severenz to you. Dr Severenz is delusional, and sophomoric. He is also a former member of the NAAWP whose membership was terminated when it was discovered that he donated three quaters of his fortune to a religious charity after a experiencing some kind of "mystical epiphany."

You may find it amusing or even titillating to read about Dr Severenz's opinions, but they're not amusing to me. They're deeply troubling. He has attempted to destroy those with whom I have established a great empire, people whose fortunes I care for, and I will not let it stand. Dr. Severenz, you cannot destroy a Billionaire. You need us. We are your vertebrae, your sun. We are the motors of the world. Pat yourself on your back if you need to. But know this: your sheltered academic think tank will not accomplish as much as, say, $10,000,000,000 and a night at my villa with my Brazilian service staff. Relinquish your present morals and you will find paradise. It is just around the corner, trust me. I, too, have taken that step.

Dr. Severenz clearly operates on the basis of an unremitting hatred of wealth and leisure due to a dellusional belief that the soul exists and needs to be "cultivated" by denying the pleasures that are due to us. If we let him make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs, all we'll have to look forward to in the future is a public realm devoid of culture and a narrow and routinized professional life untouched by the highest creations of civilization. Richard Quick is an outstanding citizen, a self-made man, and wants nothing more than to help the underprivileged, yet Dr. Severenz bestows him with the title "Artabilious and shallow." Richard Quick has made countless people millionaires overnight, yet Dr. Severenz says that he "has never inscribed his name on the Parthenon of human excellence." Is this not excellent? Are these not the things that people want? Is he not operating under the virtues that you and your beer-guzzling academic blowhards put forward? He is Santa Claus, Dr. Severenz, and you are being a bad boy.

It's easy to tell if Dr Severenz's lying. If his lips are moving, he's lying. There. I have said everything.

Feel free to browse his absurdity here:
http://drseverenz.blogspot.com/

Gwen Hammond
Co-chair, NAAWP

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

2006-06-08T08:42:00.000-05:00

Yet another new design from Gwen Hammond! Perfect for the course!

Order yours today!

2006-06-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have come under intense attack regarding the manner and locus of manufacture of my new line of Hammond scarves, and I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify my position.

Evidently people are concerned that our trade relations with China have done too much to fuel the remarkable economic growth of the country in recent years. But upon close examination, it is clear that the technological advancements of the Chinese far outweigh their social deficiencies (whatever those are), especially the engineering developments in areas of artificial intelligence and biomolecular superplasm freezing – two scientific endeavors that are smoking the international community right underneath their feet. Some are concerned and say that this will be the undoing of our Great Nation. Oh well, I say. My scarves are printed and sewn right there in the Shaangxi province so, I can afford to watch it happen with a glass of champagne in my hand.

As a secure millionaire with more homes than I know what to do with, I am proud to be able to enjoy life the way most people only dream of living. And you can rest assured that at least half of the profits from every Hammond scarf purchase will be put to good use.

So, when the giant Red Army of self-aware Chinabots lands on these shores, I’ll be long gone. Or, I’ll be behind the control panel.

Thanks so much for your time,

Gwen Hammond
National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) Women’s Auxiliary

HAMMOND SCARVES by Gwen Hammond

2006-06-01T01:09:00.000-05:00

This is the most recent design of Hammond Scarves, made exclusively for you by Gwen Hammond and her fabulous team of fibers specialists from the People’s Republic of China. They're pumping out a whopping 35,000 per day in the Guangxi Zhuang Province so there can be no shortage of patriotism on your part!

Buy one today. Or, be a hero and buy twenty.

Contact me for further details,

Gwen Hammond
CGLG, NAAWP

I Really Have an Eye for the Good Ones

2006-05-30T07:45:00.000-05:00

I hire the best people.

Here is a snapshot (image on left) of one of my guest workers, Miguel, performing a dazzling tenor rendition of Wagner's aria, Parsifal, at the NAAWP gala in St. Moritz. I flew him in from one of my summer homes that he and his family watch when I am abroad, and he agreed only after 20 minutes of his protestations (apparently his wife is pregnant with their third child and is about to pop – which, incidentally, I do not believe) and my placating him by promising spa treatments and a gift certificate to El Chorizo. Let it suffice to say that his emotions and ability, whether fabricated or sincere, certainly bled through the performance as though they were real. His little fish bowl tip jar was filled to the brim by the end of the evening!

Bravissimo, Miguel! I'm looking forward to seeing what your wife does with my rose garden. See you in a few months!

More to come,

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP - Women's Auxiliary

On the Upside of Things

2006-05-25T20:51:00.000-05:00

I've just purchased a new horse. His name is Stormin' Norman.

A fine hunk of equestrian yumminess!

Make momma proud, honey.

PICTURE PERFECT

2006-05-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

Seven months after Halloween, radical liberals are finding new ways of spending their time constructively, challenging the governmental superstructure by terrorizing city streets, dressed up as dead people. Good job, guys and gals. Way to stick it to the man!

Young liberals, thank you for reinforcing my faith in myself. Backing up your words with REAL actions is what I like to see. Stunts such as these give me faith that one day millionaires, like myself, will be able to exercise absolute power over people like you. Zombies are not going to get Bush out of office nor rescue your precious Federal Perkins Loans from falling into complete obsolescence next year. Oh wait, that's right. You don't care.

Before I go: "The hardest thing to bear in poverty is that it makes men ridiculous." --Juvenal (Satire III)

Have a lovely day,

Gwen Hammond
NAAWP - Women's Auxiliary

CoMos: The New Epidemic?

2006-05-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity before I leave, to thank my friend and fellow Millionaire, Richard Quick, Esq., for drawing attention to the latest absurdities floating around the internet. Please see his site for more information on the social disease that has afflicted this country:

http://richardquick.blogspot.com/

I encourage you to learn about both sides of the story before joining the debate, though making sense of these leftist crackpots can be a bit of a chore.

See you on the Right side,

Gwen Hammond
CGLG

Baby, I'm going to leave you

2006-05-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

Ah, the summer is now upon us. In a few short days, I will be making my way back to Marseilles for one month, maybe two. This is, by far, one of most exciting times of the year for me. I've recently purchased a yacht and this journey will be its first maiden voyage. I've named it the Gordon Lightfoot, but my current beau thinks ill of my wit. So, Jim, if you're reading this, let's not forget that If it weren't for Roger's untimely death, none of this would be possible for you, would it? Take care to not bite the hand that feeds you, honey. Especially when that hand is as manicured as mine.

Roger, if you're listening: thank you, honey.

If anyone is interested in jumping aboard, do let me know. Depending upon your median income, we might be able to work something out.

Cheers!

Gwen Hammond
CGLG